Things are finally settling down into Midwinter Funk mode: a little dark, but with a groovy bass line. I'm working very hard on some unfinished business: first and foremost, finally getting divorced. Believe me, I know how ridiculous it is that I'm not divorced yet. It's embarrassing. I moved out 2 years ago. It's not that I have been ambivalent; it's that my ex doesn't do well when he doesn't get what he wants. He's not digging in his heels about the kids or money or anything like that. He simply does not want a divorce, so he is cooperating just enough to make it not worth hauling him into court, but so little that things are moving at a snail's pace.
This is par for the course with him. In the past, he would get what he wanted by simply insisting on something over and over and over, no yelling or anything, just the same thing again and again and again no matter what you said until you just wanted to jam ballpoint pens in your ears so you wouldn't have to hear it anymore, and then it was just easier to do what he wanted so that he would shut up. It got him all kinds of things in the past, so I suppose he's not unreasonable to try it, but it does seem that after 2 years, it might be time to move on.
This is par for the course with him. In the past, he would get what he wanted by simply insisting on something over and over and over, no yelling or anything, just the same thing again and again and again no matter what you said until you just wanted to jam ballpoint pens in your ears so you wouldn't have to hear it anymore, and then it was just easier to do what he wanted so that he would shut up. It got him all kinds of things in the past, so I suppose he's not unreasonable to try it, but it does seem that after 2 years, it might be time to move on.
Now, I know you're wondering: "How hot does this woman have to be that this man doesn't want to let her go?" Well, thanks for asking; you're too kind. And, I know someone is asking, "Why would this man even want to be with such a faithless hussy?" Also a fair question. But it's not about me at all. It's about control. For him, this is not convenient, so it shouldn't be happening. So he is trying to pretend that it isn't.
This leads me to my point (I usually do have one). When I told my ex I wanted a divorce, he immediately started buying self-help books about how to save your marriage, fight for your marriage, improve your marriage without talking about it, etc. I was amazed to find that some (not all) of these books and websites advocated that people in his position do exactly what he has done all along: ignore what your spouse tells you. If she says she wants a divorce, she's not really in her right mind. She's mistaken about your ability to change. Just keep showing her what a great guy you are. Even if she says she's done, you're not done! Keep at it! Is she having an affair? No problem! Just keep driving your point home, over and over and over. Never give up! Ever! There's even a section on one of the website forums called "Divorced But Not Done." I kid you not.
What humiliating advice, for everyone. I can see trying to weasel another chance out of a situation that is rapidly deteriorating, and going for the hail-Mary pass in case it just might work. I can see trying to demonstrate your ability to be a better spouse and parent, to show that you see the error of your ways and are willing to work on your contributions to the problem, and even to try to outshine the Other Woman or Other Man for a time. But at some point, no is no, done is done, dead is dead. For me, seeing him lurching at me again and again, saying the same things over and over but not actually respecting my wishes or changing his behavior in any meaningful way, is just creepy. It's like fighting off a zombie apocalypse for 2+ years.
I really wish he'd go find someone else's brain to devour.
What humiliating advice, for everyone. I can see trying to weasel another chance out of a situation that is rapidly deteriorating, and going for the hail-Mary pass in case it just might work. I can see trying to demonstrate your ability to be a better spouse and parent, to show that you see the error of your ways and are willing to work on your contributions to the problem, and even to try to outshine the Other Woman or Other Man for a time. But at some point, no is no, done is done, dead is dead. For me, seeing him lurching at me again and again, saying the same things over and over but not actually respecting my wishes or changing his behavior in any meaningful way, is just creepy. It's like fighting off a zombie apocalypse for 2+ years.
I really wish he'd go find someone else's brain to devour.
