So I just got home from visiting my parents, with my kids. You know those sweet grandparents who are eternally patient and understanding, give you candy, take an interest in your life, and make all your visits fun and special? Yeah, my parents aren't those grandparents. My father is ex-military, and he was off the chain. I expect an e-mail from him within the next 48 hours telling me that my son is going to be a sociopath if I don't "get control" over him. That has happened before, and as you can imagine, it's super-helpful and really makes me want to bring the kids around more. While The Boy is sometimes a pain in the behind, and while he does have some sensory processing problems, he's really no more annoying than other kids his age are, on the whole he does well at school and at home, and somehow my dad really brings out the contrary in him. Perhaps it's the screaming, or the name-calling ("Mommy, Grandpa called me the a-word three times!"), or the jerking things out of his hands. It never goes well. My mom makes excuses for him, but I know better. I was raised by this man, and I've spent hours in therapy trying to come to terms with it. I can't subject my child to that.
I don't blame any of my actions or choices on my father. I own those things. I do think that he helped me to become an anxious, codependent person who has always been attracted to narcissists and has always given her control away. The more I try not to be that person, the more I see the extent to which I have been that person, and how deep those qualities go. Still, it's not his fault. The anxiety is probably hard-wired and hereditary; I just never learned how to manage it effectively until now. As for the rest of it, he didn't meant to feed those traits; he just didn't know any better, and he is extremely limited emotionally. I am truly trying to make better choices, and take responsibility for the person I am from here on out. I don't seek to control or manipulate other people by trying to be what they want me to be, nor do I resent people when they don't do what I want, or at least I try to realize when I'm doing it, and let it go. Passive aggression is still aggression, and it helped to destroy my marriage, and it nearly destroyed me and my relationship with my children. I am so glad to be free of it (mostly).
I don't know what to do going forward with my father, but I have to say that I am not tied in knots about it as I would have been a few years ago. This man has actually driven me into panic attacks on multiple occasions. He chooses to be an unhappy person who thinks the world is out to get him. I choose not to participate in his pathology anymore. He can seek a loving relationship with his child and grandchildren, or he can rain down terror every time he doesn't get his way. If he does the latter, I have to protect myself and my children from him. I choose to seek happiness and love and integrity, to find my way out of the mess I've made, to have a calm, peaceful, and fulfilling life, whatever shape it takes.
For now, that's going to involve having a cocktail, watching a little crappy TV, and reading a good book. The rest will take care of itself erelong.
