Can anything good come from talking about this?

I am a suburban mom from anywhere. I could be you, I could be your neighbor, I could be anyone. I love my children; I go to work; I take my kids to soccer practice; I abide by the speed limit; I pay my taxes; I recycle. I am a nice girl. I was raised by middle class, conservative, religious parents who have no idea about any of this. I wanted the things everyone wants: an attractive, intelligent spouse, a comfortable lifestyle, beautiful healthy children, security. I had just about convinced myself I had them, but on some level I knew I didn’t, and I had no idea what to do about it. I was honestly too busy, and too tired, and too depressed. I simply hoped that my angst would work itself out, and maybe someday I would again want my husband to touch me. It wasn’t looking good for the home team.

Then, by incremental degrees, I became involved in a relationship – first emotional and eventually physical - with a man I’d been in love with since college, who I’d worked very hard to put out of my mind over the years, but with whom I’d reconnected on Facebook (could I be more of a cliché?). This eventually led me to leave my husband and make a fresh start for myself. I am still madly in love with the other man (who I will call DB), and we are still together. My ex never knew about the affair; DB’s found out when he was in the process of leaving (Rule #1, a.k.a. the Tiger Rule: be careful with your cellphone). We are both awaiting pending divorces, and we want to get married when we can. We each have children from our prior relationships. It has been, as you can imagine, a trainwreck. And I would do it all over again if I had to, because it means I can be with DB and not face 50+ years of quiet desperation. It is worth it. I know that doesn’t make me look good.

I have debated with myself at great length over whether to start this blog. It’s not that I expect sympathy or kudos for talking about this. I did something I shouldn’t have done, and I got away with it (mostly). I haven’t had to suffer any consequences for my own actions except for the guilt and shame I have heaped on myself (considerable) and the loss of a couple of friendships. My divorce has brought considerable consequences for my children, but it was inevitable – I was going to get a divorce eventually anyway, or develop a drinking problem, or gain 500 pounds, or have a nervous breakdown. My marriage was that bad. My mistake was marrying my ex to begin with, or not realizing before we had children that I needed to RUN, screaming, AWAY. It was never, I know now, a matter of if we would divorce, but when and how.

That doesn’t make it right.

But I wonder, how many people have been here? How many people have faced and became unable to evade any longer the cold, hard truth that their marriages were and always had been doomed because experiencing something like this gave them a perspective they never would have otherwise had? It’s just not something you talk about. I, too, used to think that there was no excuse, you tried to work things out in your marriage, and if that didn’t work, after that, you got out of it, and then, only then, you figured out whether you should get involved in another relationship. That’s certainly the wisest course of action, and one I whole-heartedly endorse. It’s also easier said than done sometimes.

It’s a long, involved story, and an extremely complex subject. I can’t possibly tell it all, and say everything there is to say, with my first entry. I would note that there are online support groups for people in this situation, not to mention an excellent book (“When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships” by Mira Kirshenbaum).

For what it's worth, I didn't have an ongoing, indefinite affair, and I would not have done so. I also do not condone or recommend having an affair. I just happen to have had one, and I think I’m not the only person who never thought they would do such a thing, but did. If writing this can provide food for thought for someone in that situation, or provoke compassion and understanding from others for someone who is trying to navigate such a situation and figure out how to make it right, then it’s worth doing. If you want to judge me because it makes you feel better about having been wronged or having been tempted to cheat, or because it’s fun to bash on people you don’t know as an armchair sport, go ahead. Just remember that it’s easy to be self-righteous about something you’ve never experienced. I should know. And if you do experience it later, I’ll probably still be here, talking about it.

Peace,

TNG