How Much It Sucked (Part 1)

Most people who have affairs, whatever their motivations, do not give adequate thought to the possible consequences. They’re in a hormonal and/or emotional state that is simply not conducive to rational thought. I worry that by saying I left my husband and ended up with my lover, people might think it was a blithe decision, and easy to do. It wasn’t. It sucked. It is difficult to express the extent to which it sucked, and will eventually suck for you if you have an affair, but I will try.

First, let’s start with the very concrete reality that most people who have affairs get caught, and YOU SHOULD ASSUME THAT YOU ARE NOT AN EXCEPTION. I didn’t get caught, but that’s really rare in the long term, and more a testament to my ex-husband’s self-involvement than to my keen intellect and considerable paranoia. DB got caught, and if you have an affair, you probably will, too. Having an affair requires a lot of attention to detail, and it’s almost impossible to be vigilant all the time. You will get lazy as you get into a routine, and that is when you will screw up. It only takes an absent-minded moment when you forget to secure your phone, or you get caught not being where you said you were. A suspicious and determined spouse will find out, and your spouse will get suspicious. You will not be acting normal.

Getting caught sucks. Quite unexpectly, you have to explain yourself, and you can’t possibly explain yourself. You suddenly see yourself through your spouse’s eyes, and it’s not a pretty picture. You have to deal with someone who is justifiably furious at you, who you have betrayed, someone with whom you have built a life and have a history, and you will feel enormously guilty and conflicted, no matter why you had the affair or what your relationship with your spouse was like. You will also have to deal with the consequences of their rage, which might include some pretty bad things, such as bolting across the country with your children, or draining your bank accounts, or humiliating you in front of friends, neighbors, colleagues, or even your own children. Unless you are a complete sociopath, the moment of getting caught is a horrible, shameful, pants-crappingly terrifying moment, beyond your worst imaginings.

It also sucks if you haven’t gotten caught (yet) and your affair partner gets caught. Suddenly, you have to face the fact that there is a real person on the other side, who is suffering because of a decision to which you were a party, and who has a hold over your affair partner that you do not. Until she found out what was going on, DB’s ex was almost a cardboard cutout in my mind. Afterward, she was a real person. A real person who was pissed off and had access to firearms, a real person might show up at my house or work, a real person who might call my spouse, a real person who had probably already learned quite a bit about me. But also a real person in pain.

Thankfully no bunnies were boiled in the course of this affair, but DB’s getting caught sucked. It was obviously far worse for him than for me, but if you care about the person you have an affair with, it’s important to consider how the implosion of his or her world will affect you. You will feel partly responsible for what is happening to your affair partner, and it is hard to support someone through the kind of fallout that is coming, especially when you are trying to navigate your own situation and figure out what to do. Your affair partner might lose custody of their children, not to mention money, reputation, professional credibility, and self-respect, to name a few things. Your affair partner might (possibly repeatedly, changing his/her mind back and forth) throw you under the bus and break your heart out of a desire for self-preservation, or to avoid breaking up his/her children’s household, or just from the paralyzing guilt of it all. DB didn’t do this to me, but in my darkest moments I feared he would and wouldn’t have even blamed him. That would have really sucked.

I’ve just scratched the surface here. Shall I go on?