Deja vu

Last year, for Thanksgiving, my ex had the kids.  I had considered having everyone over for dinner and trying to give the kids a sense of normalcy, but we just weren't there yet.  I drank too much wine, ate pie, and watched movies.  This year, I had the kids, and I considered again inviting the ex over for dinner, and was about to do so when my ex sent me an e-mail in which he tried to make me feel guilty for the fact that he did not have Thanksgiving plans.  The irony was thick on the ground.  I decided that I didn't want to invite him.

Instead, I sent an e-mail to the entire single parent group at my synagogue with a rather light, amusing, and whimsical invitation to come over and have turkey with me and the kids, because it is kind of depressing to sit around and eat pie and drink wine by yourself.  I got 2 takers: one sent to me by the synagogue's service program who was described as an older, grandmotherly Croatian lady but who was really quite a firecracker, very stylish and opinionated and hilarious; the other a single dad from the group, whose children were with his ex for the holiday.  I had been very clear in my e-mail that I had a significant other, so I was really hoping that Single Dad wouldn't decide to hit on me.  And he didn't; he was completely appropriate, played games with my kids, kept up his end of the conversation, even brought a bottle of wine and had made some spiced sugared almonds that were quite good.  My ex doesn't know how to cook much of anything, so I was impressed by this.

Eventually I did ask him about his story, what he did for a living, whether his ex lived close, how they shared the children, etc.  And here's the spooky part.  It was like listening to a different variation of my own story, minus the affair (so far as I know).  He is in the same profession, and the same specialty within that profession, as my ex, and even knows who he is, though doesn't know him personally.  He worked for a big company, put in tons of hours, hated his job, fought with his wife because of the hours and because she was trapped at home with their small children, and the rest is history.  So I'm looking at this guy, realizing that as a reasonably attractive, smart, funny, successful person around my age, this is who my dating pool would be, if I were on the dating market.  And he's basically just a different version of my ex, with a little more culinary and social adeptness thrown in.

On the upside, I think the yenta wants to introduce him to her daughter.  Or maybe she was eyeing him for herself.  More power to her!

Thankful

On this Thanksgiving day in America, I feel truly blessed.  I have good health, two beautiful children, the love of a wonderful man, a good job in a bad economy, a warm, safe house in a stable democratic country, plenty to eat, reliable transportation, the company of a sweet dog, and an endless supply of good books.  I am a survivor, and I am learning from my mistakes.  I truly cannot ask for anything more.  I can't even summon a single sarcastic comment, but hopefully this does not mean I am losing my touch.

DB left this morning at the crack of dawn to fly out to spend the holiday with his children.  I'm cooking this morning, then picking up my kids and sharing Thanksgiving dinner at my home with some folks from the single-parent group at my synagogue, along with an older Croatian lady who doesn't have family to go to.  I love to cook for people, and I'm good at it (not to be immodest), so this is going to be a good day.

Peace and happiness to all.

Moral dilemma

I am a staff member at a university.  I don't teach.  I do, however, get to know some of the students quite well, and many of the junior staff whom I supervise are graduate students in other programs, working their way through school.  The other day, one of my former staffers mentioned to me in an offhand way that last year, she wrote a paper for another student, and it received an A, so she was determined to take the same class because she knew she would make a good grade.

I was horrified.  I have never cheated on an academic project, test, or paper in my life.  I would never do that.  If I couldn't get a good grade on my own, I didn't want it.  And I certainly wasn't going to do all the work and let someone else take the credit for it.  Probably she wrote the paper for money, and I know her family is poor and struggles financially, and she attends an expensive private school.  I actually asked her to stop talking and not say anything else about it, because I didn't want to know.  I liked and respected this person and had a very high opinion of her integrity until now.  I have no idea what to do with this information.

It strikes me that I have very little room to judge her.  I cheated on my husband.  That's a much more sacred trust than academic integrity.  Actual human beings were personally hurt.  Yes, my ex broke his vows to me, too (that whole love and honor thing), but I am responsible for my own choices, and I took the dishonorable path.  I have remorse (holy crap, do I have remorse), and I am trying to make it right from here on out, but I was dishonest.  I can't undo that.  It's really just a twist of fate that hardly anyone knows what I did.  I could rent a billboard and confess, or something, but I hardly see how that would help anyone.

There are people who would not be friends with me, if they knew what I had done.  There are people who would believe I should have been put to public shame.  I have no desire to ruin this student's life (which I would do, if I dimed her out for an honor code violation), but it really bugs me that she mentioned the whole thing so flippantly, and without any remorse.  And I am having a hard time looking her in the eye now.

Have I abdicated the moral high ground?  I'm really at a loss here.

Quick Update

Please don't think I've dropped off the planet.  I had a family wedding to go to, with my small children, in another state, and it involved a side trip to Disney World.  So it was a bit like being on another planet.  I will write more soon, after they finish detaching the mouse ears.