I'm marooned on the couch by my insomnia. DB is sleeping peacefully; Stepdog is sprawled out on the floor beside me, snurffling through dreams of chasing rabbits; my children are resting up at their father's house for a cub scout snow tubing trip tomorrow. I have a work event in the morning, but I can't sleep, and I'm realizing it's because I'm worrying the same set of thoughts over and over again.
DB is tortured by the fact that he is not part of his children's immediate daily lives. He Skypes with them every day, helps them with homework, reads books to them, and hears about their days. He is as present with them as he can be from 2,000 miles away. He visits them as often as finances allow. It kills him that he can't be with them more. DB is in the military and must live where the military tells him to live. When his ex took the children and moved across the country, unannounced, he decided not to put his children through a custody battle he might lose, and so now he is trying to be the best father he can be given the limits placed on him. The day-to-day is tolerable, but he is deeply mourning the loss of the relationships he had wanted to have with his children. I don't know how to help him, or if I can.
DB has to decide whether he wants to stay in the military, and this affects all kinds of other questions that in turn affect me. There are big reasons to stay: retention bonuses every year, possibility of promotion, and in not many more years, he could retire with a full pension. Free healthcare for both of us for life (if we marry), and for his children until they're out of college, lifetime commissary privileges, good stuff. Very low likelihood that he would be sent into the line of fire or for a long deployment at this point in his career. We could probably designate a location and pretty much stay in and around there. I support DB's desire to continue serving our country, and his career in the military is a big part of who he is, and for the market in his line of work, the military is sounding like a good place to stay. If he doesn't want to stay in, I support that, too. Not being in the military gives one much more flexibility and choices.
But, either way, I can't leave the place where I live. My ex, the father of my children, is here. I can't take my children away from a father who loves them and wants to be involved in their lives, however infuriating and inept he might be at times. And DB could, via the military, relocate across the country, closer to his children. I want DB to be closer to his children, not just for DB but also for his children. There's an off chance that I might be able to get my ex to move, but it's a huge disruption to ask of anyone, and I've done enough to disrupt my ex's life already. Also, my family (and also DB's family, and my ex's family) are all on this side of the country. I can't realistically see how it would be possible or even beneficial for me to leave.
So I'm in knots. It's not that I expect anyone to feel sorry for us, that we betrayed our spouses and now don't get to have a love-nest in the location of our choosing. It's that I honestly don't see an outcome that doesn't involve a load of hurt. DB tells me that he doesn't see a future without me, and that is reassuring. But I don't want any children to suffer, and I don't want DB to suffer. If he tells me that he has to move closer to his kids, and we have to be long-distance, I will do it. If I can't be with him, I don't want anyone else. I can't ask him to choose between me and his children, just as I know he would never ask that of me. But I want only him. This is it for me.
Bottom line, I am glad I left my ex, but I still have to co-parent with him. At the same time, DB wants to be a good father to his children, and I support that. I wish DB's ex hadn't chosen her own professional and political interests over those of her children, but it is what it is. I know that in the end, I have to do what's best for my own children and support whatever DB needs to do for himself and his children. I will love him, and only him, for the rest of my life no matter what. So here we are.
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