The Cat

Yesterday my 13 year old male tabby cat, who I left behind with my ex, died.  He was the world's sweetest cat.  My ex and I got him the year after we married, and he was our first baby (I always liked my ex for being a cat person).  Whenever I was alone and distraught, the cat would snuggle up to me and make me feel better.  I really believe that he knew when I needed the comfort.  It was torture to leave him behind when I moved out, but it felt like the right thing to do, both for the cat and my ex.  I have really missed him.  I always used my trips to my ex's to pick up or drop off the kids as a chance for kitty visitation, and he always ran to meet me to be petted and to shed fur on my clothes.

Earlier in the week, the cat started wheezing, and we thought maybe it was asthma or something treatable.  Turns out it was terminal cancer.  My ex was with the cat when he was euthanized, which I'm very glad about.  I'm glad that the cat had someone he loved, and who loved him, to see him through his last moments.  I had done the same with our other cat, also much beloved, a few years ago, and it was emotionally brutal.  I had a lot of empathy for my ex.

Tonight my ex and I sat down with the kids to explain it to them, which went about as well as could be expected under the circumstances.  I had brought a 3-ring binder, paper, crayons, and some photos of the cat.  We explained what had happened, hugged them, read them some books (Mr. Rogers could explain anything to a kid, I'm convinced), looked at pictures of the cat and talked about him, and encouraged the kids to draw pictures and write about how they felt.  We did a lot of hugging and crying.  I think we handled it the right way.  In the night, my son woke up and was upset about the cat.  He was at his dad's, and I'm glad the his dad did what I would have done:  curled up with him, stroked his hair, reassured him, and stayed with him until he fell back asleep.  This is the kind of thing I focus on when my ex annoys me.  He loves our children.

The cat represents more than just a cat, of course.  He was one of the symbols of our early marriage, how I felt in those days, one of our first cooperative projects.  I loved that my ex loved the cat, that he would sleep with us, and that sometimes I would wake up to see that cat, lying on his back with his head between ours on the pillows.  A lot of people "get over" their pets when their children are born, and though certainly the children were always the first priority, we never stopped loving the cat.

It is hard to let go.  My heart really goes out to my ex at this time, and I am glad to hear that he plans to adopt another pair of cats, who the children will get to pick and name, in a couple of months.  I'm proud that we were able to be there for our children and help them navigate through this.  It gives me hope that we can continue to cooperate and support each other.