The other day, DB was telling me how hard it is for him to take his children to birthday parties and other community events when he goes to visit them on the other side of the country, where his ex took them. He knows that his ex has told everyone that he cheated on her. He knows that he gets viewed as a player (which he isn't). His ex's friends give him the hairy eyeball, and the dads also look askance because they think he might flirt with their wives. He says he would go through any humiliation just to be in his children's lives. And it's true; he would. It's not easy, though. The shame and guilt are a huge burden, and though he did a bad thing, he isn't a bad person, so it's painful to be perceived as one.
I have been fortunate enough not to face that very much. Few people know for sure that I cheated on my ex, including my ex, and though I'm sure some people wonder, they're not going to say anything to my face about it. The few who I've told have actually been pretty accepting because they know my ex. The only person who has rejected me is my former BFF, and I think that has a lot more to do with her insecurities than with me, because I have always been a steady friend to her through all her dark places. I have close friends who don't know. I've contemplated telling them, but I worry. Does having cheated on my ex, and doing so with another woman's husband, bar me for life from the sisterhood of women? Does it matter that DB's ex was not a particularly nice woman? Probably not. Honestly, my biggest critic is me. It's hard to forgive myself.
I am lucky not to have been cast out by most of my peers. I am a good friend. I will pour you a glass of wine, give you a moment to collect yourself, wipe your child's nose, give him/her a snack, and turn on Nick Jr. so that you can hear yourself think. I am loyal and protective and pragmatic. I don't judge. I have no right to do that. But if you know what I'd done, would you still be my friend?
Day to day, all I can do is what I have to do. I raise my children, I advocate for their needs, I try my best to be a good mom and employee and friend and girlfriend and ex-wife. I'm not a predator or a fallen woman or any more of a sinner than anyone else.
I've reminded DB that everyone who's passing judgment on him has their own baggage. They have addictions or secrets or shameful pasts or affairs or embezzlements or bad debts or frauds of their own. Human nature is what it is. People are far more complex and duplicitous and tortured and beautiful and noble and horrible and conflicted than is really appropriate to discuss at cocktail parties. Those of us who've run the minefield understand that far better than most. I've come to the conclusion that it's pointless to try to control public perception of ourselves. While there's no point in airing our dirty laundry, people are going to think what they think, and we can either let our mistakes define who we are, or let our lives show that we have learned to do better.
