Outcast

The other day, DB was telling me how hard it is for him to take his children to birthday parties and other community events when he goes to visit them on the other side of the country, where his ex took them. He knows that his ex has told everyone that he cheated on her. He knows that he gets viewed as a player (which he isn't). His ex's friends give him the hairy eyeball, and the dads also look askance because they think he might flirt with their wives. He says he would go through any humiliation just to be in his children's lives. And it's true; he would. It's not easy, though. The shame and guilt are a huge burden, and though he did a bad thing, he isn't a bad person, so it's painful to be perceived as one.

I have been fortunate enough not to face that very much. Few people know for sure that I cheated on my ex, including my ex, and though I'm sure some people wonder, they're not going to say anything to my face about it. The few who I've told have actually been pretty accepting because they know my ex. The only person who has rejected me is my former BFF, and I think that has a lot more to do with her insecurities than with me, because I have always been a steady friend to her through all her dark places. I have close friends who don't know. I've contemplated telling them, but I worry. Does having cheated on my ex, and doing so with another woman's husband, bar me for life from the sisterhood of women? Does it matter that DB's ex was not a particularly nice woman? Probably not. Honestly, my biggest critic is me. It's hard to forgive myself.

I am lucky not to have been cast out by most of my peers. I am a good friend. I will pour you a glass of wine, give you a moment to collect yourself, wipe your child's nose, give him/her a snack, and turn on Nick Jr. so that you can hear yourself think. I am loyal and protective and pragmatic. I don't judge. I have no right to do that. But if you know what I'd done, would you still be my friend?

Day to day, all I can do is what I have to do. I raise my children, I advocate for their needs, I try my best to be a good mom and employee and friend and girlfriend and ex-wife. I'm not a predator or a fallen woman or any more of a sinner than anyone else.

I've reminded DB that everyone who's passing judgment on him has their own baggage. They have addictions or secrets or shameful pasts or affairs or embezzlements or bad debts or frauds of their own. Human nature is what it is. People are far more complex and duplicitous and tortured and beautiful and noble and horrible and conflicted than is really appropriate to discuss at cocktail parties. Those of us who've run the minefield understand that far better than most. I've come to the conclusion that it's pointless to try to control public perception of ourselves. While there's no point in airing our dirty laundry, people are going to think what they think, and we can either let our mistakes define who we are, or let our lives show that we have learned to do better.

High School Musical

I lost my best friend over this affair. My BFF from high school and college isn't talking to me. When this all started, and I had to talk to someone, I talked to her. We've always been able to do that. I spilled my guts: how unhappy I had been in my marriage, for how long, all the ways my ex had humiliated me, how ashamed of myself I was, how much I loved DB, how it had hit me like a freight train. She was empathetic, not that she gave me a green light to commit adultery, but rather she understood how I ended up where I was, and how I was trying to forge the least dishonorable path out of it.

And then, completely out of the blue, she started dating DB's close college friend, Buddy, who used to be a friend of mine, too. These are people who live on opposite sides of the country who could not be more different; I never would have predicted this. He has been divorced twice; she has not had a long term intimate relationship with anyone since college, so they have their own issues (don't we all).

BFF kept my secret from Buddy for awhile, but she didn't feel right about it. I respected that, and I asked DB to tell Buddy what was going on, which he did. 2 days later, DB and I got a scathing e-mail from Buddy about what horrible people we were. Because we needed to be reminded; it wasn't something that tortured us every day or anything (*insert sarcasm here*). It wasn't that he was wrong as far as it went; it was more that I didn't have the energy to manage his feelings, nor did I see how I was obligated to do so, given that I wasn't married to him. I didn't respond to that e-mail.

After that, BFF cooled considerably. She never amended her opinion about whether I was justified in leaving my ex, but she changed her party line significantly about DB. The only thing that changed so far as I can tell was the fact that her boyfriend disapproved. I can't fault him for disapproving of adultery; I do, too. But it wasn't his business, and the only reason he even knew about it was because BFF asked that he be told, AND his sole source of information about the whole thing was a 15-minute phone conversation in which he did not ask a single question.

I never asked BFF to blow sunshine up my ass; I just wanted someone who had known me for a very long time to understand the situation in the context of my entire history and who I am. That was how BFF started out, but then suddenly I was reduced to a scarlet A. Screw that.

Shortly after all of this, when DB's ex absconded across the country with his children, and BFF told me she thought this was completely justified, I knew we just couldn't talk about it anymore. For awhile, my relationship with DB was like the elephant in the room. I continued to try to support her through her own struggles, but communication became more and more strained, and then gradually she stopped talking. This is someone with whom I have been friends for 23 years, and she dumped me for a boy.

Moral of the story: if you are having an affair, consider carefully before telling anyone who you want to keep as a friend.

By the way, I am fully aware of how whiny and high school this post sounds. But this has been bugging me for a long time, and it's not like I have the moral high ground here. Maybe if I just walk around for a few days with my iPod turned up, sulking and rolling my eyes at everyone, I'll feel better.