I know it has been a little while since I posted, but between a bad knee injury, Chanukah (my kids, my ex, and I are Jewish) and Christmas (my parents and extended family are Christian), traveling, a family wedding, and getting back into the groove of work and school, I have been swamped. Not that I think anyone is hanging on by their fingernails for a dispatch from me, but I didn't want to give the impression that I've abandoned this blog. I plan to return in full force to my trademark brilliance erelong.
If you're reading, I hope you had a great Christmas/Chanukah/Kwaanza/Solstice/Festivus/New Year.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Monday, December 20, 2010
Spin Control
A Facebook “friend” (not someone I actually know well) posted this link on his Facebook page with the comment, “I have one thing to say: TACKY!”
Here’s the link. Go ahead and read it; I’ll wait right here.
Tacky? Well, yes. I keep trying to imagine what might have possessed them to put all of this in the Times. I can only think that maybe they’d had enough of gossip and speculation from their social circle and wished to set the record straight and proceed with everything in the open. People won’t whisper behind their backs as much if they release the information themselves and act like it’s not a big deal. Also, by being the ones to tell the story, they can control the spin, or at least have some counterpart to the version already in circulation, where she’s a homewrecker and he’s a cad. Still, it seems disrespectful to the exes, who didn’t ask for the bottom to drop out of their lives.
By the way, I know the article specifies that they didn’t consummate their emotional affair by having a physical affair. Maybe this is true; maybe not, but I don’t think it really matters. Once you step out emotionally, it’s a betrayal, and the only difference between an emotional affair and a physical affair is a matter of its degree, not its nature. In the end, they both left their spouses to be with someone else. It’s the same result.
I remember when the managing partner (then married with 4 kids) of a company where I used to work had an affair with the marketing director. Even after the other partners had all been served with subpoenas in his divorce case (watch out for holiday parties!), he still tried to go the Bill Clinton route and claim that they didn’t have an inappropriate relationship. Everyone knew about this affair, from the top brass down to the people in the mailroom (they see EVERYTHING). It was a ridiculous thing to deny. About 3 years later, a former co-worker forwarded me a birth announcement for the partner’s and the marketing director’s newborn son – they had gotten married in the interim. So I suppose that’s another option in the balls-out category: just pretend like everything is completely normal, and that nothing about the situation is remotely improper. Is that better?
Of course then there’s the version that DB’s ex favors, which is to be able to sue me for “alienation of affections” for stealing her husband (a cause of action now eliminated in almost all U.S. states, including the one in which I live, and rightfully so – it’s not like I entrapped DB; he made a choice). I think if she could put me in the stocks in the town square for people to throw rotten fruit at me and require me to wear a scarlet letter every day for the rest of my life, she’d do that, too. I guess it makes her feel vindicated.
It’s not that I have no shame. And it’s not that I think anyone who ends up in my situation should wallow in shame forever. I just don’t think it’s anyone’s business. I’m not holding myself up as a paragon of virtue; I’m not a Republican politician or a televangelist. I’m just doing the best I can. I’m trying to raise my children and hold down a job and pay my rent and make a life and do better. That’s mostly the sense I get from the Times article people, except for the fact that they put it in the Times, and seem to have a lot more money and status than I do.
In the end, though, I can only wish them well. Because it’s not like I’m exactly in a position to judge anyone.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Man's Best Friend
Did you know that a 42-lb standard poodle can swallow an entire rib bone whole? Me, neither, but I saw the X-rays myself. DB's dog from his prior marriage has adopted me and my kids as part of his "pack" (apparently I am now the alpha bitch), because I take care of him when DB travels. Stepdog follows me around the house, guards me from other people and dogs when we go walking, lets me know when the kids are getting into something, and sleeps next to me when DB isn't here (he doesn't even do that with DB). He is a sweetheart, and I really adore him. I'm really more of a cat person usually, but this is a great dog.
So, a few weeks ago, DB had made ribs, and admittedly gave Stepdog one of the bones, WHICH WE WILL NEVER, EVER DO AGAIN. As soon as we heard a crunch, DB went to retrieve the bone, but the mistake was giving Stepdog another bone. Because Stepdog decided he was damned if someone was going to take away his second bone, so he ran off with it and swallowed it whole. Strong work.
To our credit, we leapt into action, rushed Stepdog to the emergency vet, and he had surgery to remove the bone. Stepdog recovered quickly and is now back to his goofy self.
Upon reflection, I realized that (a) I was really glad I was there to support DB, that there was no place I'd rather be at that moment than by his side, even if that happened to be in an emergency vet hospital, where he was freaking out with guilt and worry and needed me to tell him what I thought he should do; and (b) I have a Stepdog. We are becoming a family, incrementally and slowly, we are counting on each other and making decisions together. I know it's a far cry from combining households and finances and children, but for a very long time, I never thought we would ever be able to be together even this much. It's like a dream come true, even the suck parts.
Of course, for Stepdog, as long as he has plenty of food and affection and a warm place to sleep, it's all great. But I look in his eyes and can tell that he's wondering whether there's any place he can put the next bone that this bitch won't come after it.
So, a few weeks ago, DB had made ribs, and admittedly gave Stepdog one of the bones, WHICH WE WILL NEVER, EVER DO AGAIN. As soon as we heard a crunch, DB went to retrieve the bone, but the mistake was giving Stepdog another bone. Because Stepdog decided he was damned if someone was going to take away his second bone, so he ran off with it and swallowed it whole. Strong work.
To our credit, we leapt into action, rushed Stepdog to the emergency vet, and he had surgery to remove the bone. Stepdog recovered quickly and is now back to his goofy self.
Upon reflection, I realized that (a) I was really glad I was there to support DB, that there was no place I'd rather be at that moment than by his side, even if that happened to be in an emergency vet hospital, where he was freaking out with guilt and worry and needed me to tell him what I thought he should do; and (b) I have a Stepdog. We are becoming a family, incrementally and slowly, we are counting on each other and making decisions together. I know it's a far cry from combining households and finances and children, but for a very long time, I never thought we would ever be able to be together even this much. It's like a dream come true, even the suck parts.
Of course, for Stepdog, as long as he has plenty of food and affection and a warm place to sleep, it's all great. But I look in his eyes and can tell that he's wondering whether there's any place he can put the next bone that this bitch won't come after it.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Deja vu
Last year, for Thanksgiving, my ex had the kids. I had considered having everyone over for dinner and trying to give the kids a sense of normalcy, but we just weren't there yet. I drank too much wine, ate pie, and watched movies. This year, I had the kids, and I considered again inviting the ex over for dinner, and was about to do so when my ex sent me an e-mail in which he tried to make me feel guilty for the fact that he did not have Thanksgiving plans. The irony was thick on the ground. I decided that I didn't want to invite him.
Instead, I sent an e-mail to the entire single parent group at my synagogue with a rather light, amusing, and whimsical invitation to come over and have turkey with me and the kids, because it is kind of depressing to sit around and eat pie and drink wine by yourself. I got 2 takers: one sent to me by the synagogue's service program who was described as an older, grandmotherly Croatian lady but who was really quite a firecracker, very stylish and opinionated and hilarious; the other a single dad from the group, whose children were with his ex for the holiday. I had been very clear in my e-mail that I had a significant other, so I was really hoping that Single Dad wouldn't decide to hit on me. And he didn't; he was completely appropriate, played games with my kids, kept up his end of the conversation, even brought a bottle of wine and had made some spiced sugared almonds that were quite good. My ex doesn't know how to cook much of anything, so I was impressed by this.
Eventually I did ask him about his story, what he did for a living, whether his ex lived close, how they shared the children, etc. And here's the spooky part. It was like listening to a different variation of my own story, minus the affair (so far as I know). He is in the same profession, and the same specialty within that profession, as my ex, and even knows who he is, though doesn't know him personally. He worked for a big company, put in tons of hours, hated his job, fought with his wife because of the hours and because she was trapped at home with their small children, and the rest is history. So I'm looking at this guy, realizing that as a reasonably attractive, smart, funny, successful person around my age, this is who my dating pool would be, if I were on the dating market. And he's basically just a different version of my ex, with a little more culinary and social adeptness thrown in.
On the upside, I think the yenta wants to introduce him to her daughter. Or maybe she was eyeing him for herself. More power to her!
Instead, I sent an e-mail to the entire single parent group at my synagogue with a rather light, amusing, and whimsical invitation to come over and have turkey with me and the kids, because it is kind of depressing to sit around and eat pie and drink wine by yourself. I got 2 takers: one sent to me by the synagogue's service program who was described as an older, grandmotherly Croatian lady but who was really quite a firecracker, very stylish and opinionated and hilarious; the other a single dad from the group, whose children were with his ex for the holiday. I had been very clear in my e-mail that I had a significant other, so I was really hoping that Single Dad wouldn't decide to hit on me. And he didn't; he was completely appropriate, played games with my kids, kept up his end of the conversation, even brought a bottle of wine and had made some spiced sugared almonds that were quite good. My ex doesn't know how to cook much of anything, so I was impressed by this.
Eventually I did ask him about his story, what he did for a living, whether his ex lived close, how they shared the children, etc. And here's the spooky part. It was like listening to a different variation of my own story, minus the affair (so far as I know). He is in the same profession, and the same specialty within that profession, as my ex, and even knows who he is, though doesn't know him personally. He worked for a big company, put in tons of hours, hated his job, fought with his wife because of the hours and because she was trapped at home with their small children, and the rest is history. So I'm looking at this guy, realizing that as a reasonably attractive, smart, funny, successful person around my age, this is who my dating pool would be, if I were on the dating market. And he's basically just a different version of my ex, with a little more culinary and social adeptness thrown in.
On the upside, I think the yenta wants to introduce him to her daughter. Or maybe she was eyeing him for herself. More power to her!
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thankful
On this Thanksgiving day in America, I feel truly blessed. I have good health, two beautiful children, the love of a wonderful man, a good job in a bad economy, a warm, safe house in a stable democratic country, plenty to eat, reliable transportation, the company of a sweet dog, and an endless supply of good books. I am a survivor, and I am learning from my mistakes. I truly cannot ask for anything more. I can't even summon a single sarcastic comment, but hopefully this does not mean I am losing my touch.
DB left this morning at the crack of dawn to fly out to spend the holiday with his children. I'm cooking this morning, then picking up my kids and sharing Thanksgiving dinner at my home with some folks from the single-parent group at my synagogue, along with an older Croatian lady who doesn't have family to go to. I love to cook for people, and I'm good at it (not to be immodest), so this is going to be a good day.
Peace and happiness to all.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Moral dilemma
I am a staff member at a university. I don't teach. I do, however, get to know some of the students quite well, and many of the junior staff whom I supervise are graduate students in other programs, working their way through school. The other day, one of my former staffers mentioned to me in an offhand way that last year, she wrote a paper for another student, and it received an A, so she was determined to take the same class because she knew she would make a good grade.
I was horrified. I have never cheated on an academic project, test, or paper in my life. I would never do that. If I couldn't get a good grade on my own, I didn't want it. And I certainly wasn't going to do all the work and let someone else take the credit for it. Probably she wrote the paper for money, and I know her family is poor and struggles financially, and she attends an expensive private school. I actually asked her to stop talking and not say anything else about it, because I didn't want to know. I liked and respected this person and had a very high opinion of her integrity until now. I have no idea what to do with this information.
It strikes me that I have very little room to judge her. I cheated on my husband. That's a much more sacred trust than academic integrity. Actual human beings were personally hurt. Yes, my ex broke his vows to me, too (that whole love and honor thing), but I am responsible for my own choices, and I took the dishonorable path. I have remorse (holy crap, do I have remorse), and I am trying to make it right from here on out, but I was dishonest. I can't undo that. It's really just a twist of fate that hardly anyone knows what I did. I could rent a billboard and confess, or something, but I hardly see how that would help anyone.
There are people who would not be friends with me, if they knew what I had done. There are people who would believe I should have been put to public shame. I have no desire to ruin this student's life (which I would do, if I dimed her out for an honor code violation), but it really bugs me that she mentioned the whole thing so flippantly, and without any remorse. And I am having a hard time looking her in the eye now.
Have I abdicated the moral high ground? I'm really at a loss here.
I was horrified. I have never cheated on an academic project, test, or paper in my life. I would never do that. If I couldn't get a good grade on my own, I didn't want it. And I certainly wasn't going to do all the work and let someone else take the credit for it. Probably she wrote the paper for money, and I know her family is poor and struggles financially, and she attends an expensive private school. I actually asked her to stop talking and not say anything else about it, because I didn't want to know. I liked and respected this person and had a very high opinion of her integrity until now. I have no idea what to do with this information.
It strikes me that I have very little room to judge her. I cheated on my husband. That's a much more sacred trust than academic integrity. Actual human beings were personally hurt. Yes, my ex broke his vows to me, too (that whole love and honor thing), but I am responsible for my own choices, and I took the dishonorable path. I have remorse (holy crap, do I have remorse), and I am trying to make it right from here on out, but I was dishonest. I can't undo that. It's really just a twist of fate that hardly anyone knows what I did. I could rent a billboard and confess, or something, but I hardly see how that would help anyone.
There are people who would not be friends with me, if they knew what I had done. There are people who would believe I should have been put to public shame. I have no desire to ruin this student's life (which I would do, if I dimed her out for an honor code violation), but it really bugs me that she mentioned the whole thing so flippantly, and without any remorse. And I am having a hard time looking her in the eye now.
Have I abdicated the moral high ground? I'm really at a loss here.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Quick Update
Please don't think I've dropped off the planet. I had a family wedding to go to, with my small children, in another state, and it involved a side trip to Disney World. So it was a bit like being on another planet. I will write more soon, after they finish detaching the mouse ears.
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