Why he was worth it

When I realized I had fallen in love with a man other than my husband, I was completely gobsmacked. There I was, a respectable, fairly cerebral married mother of 2, staring off into space like a 16 year-old, twirling my hair, sending surreptitious text messages, and even, I kid you not, giggling. Yes, I know that the neurotransmitters released when we're giddy in love are the equivalent of being high on drugs. And in this case, it was probably doubly enhanced by the risk involved, even though I've never been a thrill-seeker. I look back at myself and shake my head, because I must have looked like an idiot.

Now that several years have passed and the infatuation phase has worn off, I am happy to say that I no longer giggle much, thank God. What's left is that I really love this man. I trust him in a way I've never trusted anyone, and couldn't have imagined trusting my ex-husband (for good reason). Why is it that my feelings survived the toxic landscape we've crossed? Why was he worth all of that?

Here are some of the things I love about him. He is sweet and kind and patient. He is wonderful with my children. He talks to his dog. He makes me lemon tea when I'm sick. He will go with me to Ikea and spend the better part of a day helping me pick out things for my kids' rooms, then he will bring it all home, carry it into the house, and assemble it. He sings when he cooks. Did I mention that he cooks? On bad days, he will hold me while I cry, until I finish crying. He listens to me whine about work. He reassures me that I am a good mother. He is smart, with a wide range of interests. He calls me on my bullshit but doesn't make me feel stupid about it. He is graceful about admitting his mistakes. He makes me feel cherished and constantly tells me I'm beautiful and sexy. He empties the dishwasher without being asked. He has always, in my mind, been the most handsome man I've ever seen in real life, even more so now than when I first met him 20 years ago. Are you vomiting yet? Because I could go on.

Does he have faults? Oh, my God, yes. He can be a real pain in the ass. He gets his feelings hurt easily. He is protective and sometimes even possessive. He has a certain pedantic tone he takes when talking about his area of expertise, and I can only take but so much of it. He does not always follow through, even when he intends in good faith to complete a task. And he contributed to the end of his own marriage, and not just by having an affair.

I don't think that I idealize him. But I do love him. For a long time after this relationship re-ignited, I wondered whether my feelings were real. We all project onto others what we need to see. And for many people who have an affair, the relationship is too stifled by its inherent limitations for love to flourish, even when it takes root. For whatever reason, though, here we are, searching to get it right this time. And still occasionally giggling.