I lost my best friend over this affair. My BFF from high school and college isn't talking to me. When this all started, and I had to talk to someone, I talked to her. We've always been able to do that. I spilled my guts: how unhappy I had been in my marriage, for how long, all the ways my ex had humiliated me, how ashamed of myself I was, how much I loved DB, how it had hit me like a freight train. She was empathetic, not that she gave me a green light to commit adultery, but rather she understood how I ended up where I was, and how I was trying to forge the least dishonorable path out of it.
And then, completely out of the blue, she started dating DB's close college friend, Buddy, who used to be a friend of mine, too. These are people who live on opposite sides of the country who could not be more different; I never would have predicted this. He has been divorced twice; she has not had a long term intimate relationship with anyone since college, so they have their own issues (don't we all).
BFF kept my secret from Buddy for awhile, but she didn't feel right about it. I respected that, and I asked DB to tell Buddy what was going on, which he did. 2 days later, DB and I got a scathing e-mail from Buddy about what horrible people we were. Because we needed to be reminded; it wasn't something that tortured us every day or anything (*insert sarcasm here*). It wasn't that he was wrong as far as it went; it was more that I didn't have the energy to manage his feelings, nor did I see how I was obligated to do so, given that I wasn't married to him. I didn't respond to that e-mail.
After that, BFF cooled considerably. She never amended her opinion about whether I was justified in leaving my ex, but she changed her party line significantly about DB. The only thing that changed so far as I can tell was the fact that her boyfriend disapproved. I can't fault him for disapproving of adultery; I do, too. But it wasn't his business, and the only reason he even knew about it was because BFF asked that he be told, AND his sole source of information about the whole thing was a 15-minute phone conversation in which he did not ask a single question.
I never asked BFF to blow sunshine up my ass; I just wanted someone who had known me for a very long time to understand the situation in the context of my entire history and who I am. That was how BFF started out, but then suddenly I was reduced to a scarlet A. Screw that.
Shortly after all of this, when DB's ex absconded across the country with his children, and BFF told me she thought this was completely justified, I knew we just couldn't talk about it anymore. For awhile, my relationship with DB was like the elephant in the room. I continued to try to support her through her own struggles, but communication became more and more strained, and then gradually she stopped talking. This is someone with whom I have been friends for 23 years, and she dumped me for a boy.
Moral of the story: if you are having an affair, consider carefully before telling anyone who you want to keep as a friend.
By the way, I am fully aware of how whiny and high school this post sounds. But this has been bugging me for a long time, and it's not like I have the moral high ground here. Maybe if I just walk around for a few days with my iPod turned up, sulking and rolling my eyes at everyone, I'll feel better.
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