It has been a tough week. DB has been traveling a lot lately, between work responsibilities and flying out to visit his kids. One day in late August, we sat down with a calendar and realized that between our respective schedules, we were not going to have a weekend together until late October. So that was demoralizing.
Then last week my kids went back to school, and it was a tough adjustment, which meant that they were WHINING constantly with the whining that just wouldn't stop, except when they were fighting like rabid weasels, or lying on the floor and refusing to budge, even though it was time to leave for school, and if they didn't put on their shoes THAT INSTANT, Mommy's head was going to explode!! I'm not proud of this, but at one point, I was doing what can only be described as shrieking. My throat hurt all day, and when I got to work I locked myself in my office and cried.
This is usually when my children decide to tell me that they don't want to live with me anymore. It's less of a blow now than before I realized that they do the same thing to their father when he finally reaches a point where placating them with cookies/ice cream/TV/outings doesn't work anymore, and they manage to get on his last nerve. But still, it's not a good way to leave things.
Anyway, the afternoon immediately following the shrieking incident, the kids spent the weekend with their father, and I was solo. And I didn't know what to do with myself. I had a volunteer commitment for part of one day; I had brunch with friends the next morning; I walked the dog a lot. Thankfully he's a big dog.
Bottom line, I was lonely. Like, cringing, long-dark-night-of-the-soul, pit-of-despair lonely. The weird thing is, I'm an introvert, and I never get any time to myself, so I thought I was going to enjoy getting to read and work out and putter around. Instead, I wanted a family around me. To be perfectly clear, I didn't want to go back to the family I had. Living in the same house with my ex was even more lonely, and I was so alienated from my children when I was trying to choke down my own anger and frustration. Being on my own is better, and it would be so even if DB weren't in the picture. But last weekend, I wanted my children, and I wanted DB, and I wanted DB's children. I wanted them all to be ours, to hear them playing, to walk up to DB and put my arms around him and see what we had made and feel that it was good. Of course, right after that the kids would doubtless start fighting, but that's part of being a family, too, and I would know that I had a partner to deal with it. I've never had that.
I don't expect bliss - it's not realistic. I know that in reality, if and when DB and I are able to live together with some combination of our children, it won't be easy. And while shrieking is suboptimal, I'm not sorry for requiring my children to behave like human beings, and I'm not going to bribe them the way my ex does. And I know that stepparent issues are their own separate emotional minefield that I can't even fathom yet. And, finally, and most importantly, I know that I need to confront and explore this loneliness, that my children and DB can't heal the broken places inside me. So I'm working on that, I really am.
Still, I have to say that when my children came home on Monday, they wrapped their little arms around me, and nothing has ever felt so good. I'm not sure what they're currently plotting, but I don't even care.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
High School Musical
I lost my best friend over this affair. My BFF from high school and college isn't talking to me. When this all started, and I had to talk to someone, I talked to her. We've always been able to do that. I spilled my guts: how unhappy I had been in my marriage, for how long, all the ways my ex had humiliated me, how ashamed of myself I was, how much I loved DB, how it had hit me like a freight train. She was empathetic, not that she gave me a green light to commit adultery, but rather she understood how I ended up where I was, and how I was trying to forge the least dishonorable path out of it.
And then, completely out of the blue, she started dating DB's close college friend, Buddy, who used to be a friend of mine, too. These are people who live on opposite sides of the country who could not be more different; I never would have predicted this. He has been divorced twice; she has not had a long term intimate relationship with anyone since college, so they have their own issues (don't we all).
BFF kept my secret from Buddy for awhile, but she didn't feel right about it. I respected that, and I asked DB to tell Buddy what was going on, which he did. 2 days later, DB and I got a scathing e-mail from Buddy about what horrible people we were. Because we needed to be reminded; it wasn't something that tortured us every day or anything (*insert sarcasm here*). It wasn't that he was wrong as far as it went; it was more that I didn't have the energy to manage his feelings, nor did I see how I was obligated to do so, given that I wasn't married to him. I didn't respond to that e-mail.
After that, BFF cooled considerably. She never amended her opinion about whether I was justified in leaving my ex, but she changed her party line significantly about DB. The only thing that changed so far as I can tell was the fact that her boyfriend disapproved. I can't fault him for disapproving of adultery; I do, too. But it wasn't his business, and the only reason he even knew about it was because BFF asked that he be told, AND his sole source of information about the whole thing was a 15-minute phone conversation in which he did not ask a single question.
I never asked BFF to blow sunshine up my ass; I just wanted someone who had known me for a very long time to understand the situation in the context of my entire history and who I am. That was how BFF started out, but then suddenly I was reduced to a scarlet A. Screw that.
Shortly after all of this, when DB's ex absconded across the country with his children, and BFF told me she thought this was completely justified, I knew we just couldn't talk about it anymore. For awhile, my relationship with DB was like the elephant in the room. I continued to try to support her through her own struggles, but communication became more and more strained, and then gradually she stopped talking. This is someone with whom I have been friends for 23 years, and she dumped me for a boy.
Moral of the story: if you are having an affair, consider carefully before telling anyone who you want to keep as a friend.
By the way, I am fully aware of how whiny and high school this post sounds. But this has been bugging me for a long time, and it's not like I have the moral high ground here. Maybe if I just walk around for a few days with my iPod turned up, sulking and rolling my eyes at everyone, I'll feel better.
And then, completely out of the blue, she started dating DB's close college friend, Buddy, who used to be a friend of mine, too. These are people who live on opposite sides of the country who could not be more different; I never would have predicted this. He has been divorced twice; she has not had a long term intimate relationship with anyone since college, so they have their own issues (don't we all).
BFF kept my secret from Buddy for awhile, but she didn't feel right about it. I respected that, and I asked DB to tell Buddy what was going on, which he did. 2 days later, DB and I got a scathing e-mail from Buddy about what horrible people we were. Because we needed to be reminded; it wasn't something that tortured us every day or anything (*insert sarcasm here*). It wasn't that he was wrong as far as it went; it was more that I didn't have the energy to manage his feelings, nor did I see how I was obligated to do so, given that I wasn't married to him. I didn't respond to that e-mail.
After that, BFF cooled considerably. She never amended her opinion about whether I was justified in leaving my ex, but she changed her party line significantly about DB. The only thing that changed so far as I can tell was the fact that her boyfriend disapproved. I can't fault him for disapproving of adultery; I do, too. But it wasn't his business, and the only reason he even knew about it was because BFF asked that he be told, AND his sole source of information about the whole thing was a 15-minute phone conversation in which he did not ask a single question.
I never asked BFF to blow sunshine up my ass; I just wanted someone who had known me for a very long time to understand the situation in the context of my entire history and who I am. That was how BFF started out, but then suddenly I was reduced to a scarlet A. Screw that.
Shortly after all of this, when DB's ex absconded across the country with his children, and BFF told me she thought this was completely justified, I knew we just couldn't talk about it anymore. For awhile, my relationship with DB was like the elephant in the room. I continued to try to support her through her own struggles, but communication became more and more strained, and then gradually she stopped talking. This is someone with whom I have been friends for 23 years, and she dumped me for a boy.
Moral of the story: if you are having an affair, consider carefully before telling anyone who you want to keep as a friend.
By the way, I am fully aware of how whiny and high school this post sounds. But this has been bugging me for a long time, and it's not like I have the moral high ground here. Maybe if I just walk around for a few days with my iPod turned up, sulking and rolling my eyes at everyone, I'll feel better.
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