He Knows

In the course of negotiating a settlement with my ex, I finally found out that he knows that I am seeing DB, and that he knows who he is.  Truly, I wasn't really trying that hard to hide the fact that I'm seeing someone now, 2 years post separation.  I just didn't want him to know about the affair.  More than any legal or financial consequences, my biggest worry was that he would think that was why I left him, and it wasn't.  I shouldn't have had the affair, but I would have left anyway, and for good reasons.  Equally importantly, I didn't want it to interfere with co-parenting.  We have a good relationship as parents.  We can both go to our children's events and sit together without gritting our teeth.  We communicate about issues relating to the kids, large and small, long-term and short-term.  We've built up a lot of goodwill, and that can only help the children.

But, I'm pretty sure he does, on some level, know my relationship with DB started before the separation.  At least in hindsight, he has to know.  The signs were all there - the jumpiness, the increased texting and IM-ing, the distraction, the irritability ... I was like a textbook case, and the timing fits.  In fact, my ex said that he could certainly speculate about the timing of the relationship and whether it related to our problems, but he didn't care about that anymore.  I don't think that's true - he has to care.  It's more likely that he doesn't really want to know, that he doesn't think the information would be helpful.  And it wouldn't.

In the end, it was a productive conversation.  My ex wasn't angry; he just wanted me to know he knew.  I'm relieved that I don't feel compelled to hide a big piece of my life anymore.  I see his acknowledgment that I'm now in a relationship as a sign that my ex is starting to move on, and that is healthy for him.  If he is a happier person, my children will have a happier father, and I want that for them, and for him.

Now, underneath it all, he still wants me back.  I know this because he said so.  But, in the same sentence, he said that he would no longer obstruct the divorce settlement because he had realized it was what I needed.  Sort of an "if you love something, set it free" approach.  He has finally accepted that he can't force me back into his paradigm.

I truly don't hate my ex.  We were not well suited to each other, or rather, we were too suited to each other in the exact wrong ways.  [Cue in Prince's "When Doves Cry"]  He married someone like his mother, who would cushion him from taking responsibility for himself or others.  He emulated his father, a brilliant but absent minded and socially and emotionally inept professor who has no way of conceptualizing people on their own terms.  I married someone like my father, who always gets his way.  I emulated my mother, a chronically depressed martyr.  It's a typical codependent cycle.  Eventually, though, it seemed like I had learned whatever lesson I was supposed to have learned from that experience, and the situation wasn't going to change, so it was time to move on.

Now, what have I learned?  That's a question for another post.

Sleepless in the Suburbs

I'm marooned on the couch by my insomnia.  DB is sleeping peacefully; Stepdog is sprawled out on the floor beside me, snurffling through dreams of chasing rabbits; my children are resting up at their father's house for a cub scout snow tubing trip tomorrow.  I have a work event in the morning, but I can't sleep, and I'm realizing it's because I'm worrying the same set of thoughts over and over again.

DB is tortured by the fact that he is not part of his children's immediate daily lives.  He Skypes with them every day, helps them with homework, reads books to them, and hears about their days.  He is as present with them as he can be from 2,000 miles away.  He visits them as often as finances allow.  It kills him that he can't be with them more.  DB is in the military and must live where the military tells him to live.  When his ex took the children and moved across the country, unannounced, he decided not to put his children through a custody battle he might lose, and so now he is trying to be the best father he can be given the limits placed on him.  The day-to-day is tolerable, but he is deeply mourning the loss of the relationships he had wanted to have with his children.  I don't know how to help him, or if I can.

DB has to decide whether he wants to stay in the military, and this affects all kinds of other questions that in turn affect me.  There are big reasons to stay:  retention bonuses every year, possibility of promotion, and in not many more years, he could retire with a full pension.  Free healthcare for both of us for life (if we marry), and for his children until they're out of college, lifetime commissary privileges, good stuff.  Very low likelihood that he would be sent into the line of fire or for a long deployment at this point in his career.  We could probably designate a location and pretty much stay in and around there.  I support DB's desire to continue serving our country, and his career in the military is a big part of who he is, and for the market in his line of work, the military is sounding like a good place to stay.  If he doesn't want to stay in, I support that, too.  Not being in the military gives one much more flexibility and choices.

But, either way, I can't leave the place where I live.  My ex, the father of my children, is here.  I can't take my children away from a father who loves them and wants to be involved in their lives, however infuriating and inept he might be at times.  And DB could, via the military, relocate across the country, closer to his children.  I want DB to be closer to his children, not just for DB but also for his children.  There's an off chance that I might be able to get my ex to move, but it's a huge disruption to ask of anyone, and I've done enough to disrupt my ex's life already.  Also, my family (and also DB's family, and my ex's family) are all on this side of the country.  I can't realistically see how it would be possible or even beneficial for me to leave.

So I'm in knots.  It's not that I expect anyone to feel sorry for us, that we betrayed our spouses and now don't get to have a love-nest in the location of our choosing.  It's that I honestly don't see an outcome that doesn't involve a load of hurt.  DB tells me that he doesn't see a future without me, and that is reassuring.  But I don't want any children to suffer, and I don't want DB to suffer.  If he tells me that he has to move closer to his kids, and we have to be long-distance, I will do it.  If I can't be with him, I don't want anyone else.  I can't ask him to choose between me and his children, just as I know he would never ask that of me. But I want only him.  This is it for me.

Bottom line, I am glad I left my ex, but I still have to co-parent with him.  At the same time, DB wants to be a good father to his children, and I support that.  I wish DB's ex hadn't chosen her own professional and political interests over those of her children, but it is what it is.  I know that in the end, I have to do what's best for my own children and support whatever DB needs to do for himself and his children.  I will love him, and only him, for the rest of my life no matter what.  So here we are.

So I Married a Zombie

Thanks for waiting patiently, if you're still out there reading.

Things are finally settling down into Midwinter Funk mode:  a little dark, but with a groovy bass line.  I'm working very hard on some unfinished business: first and foremost, finally getting divorced.  Believe me, I know how ridiculous it is that I'm not divorced yet.  It's embarrassing.  I moved out 2 years ago.  It's not that I have been ambivalent; it's that my ex doesn't do well when he doesn't get what he wants.  He's not digging in his heels about the kids or money or anything like that.  He simply does not want a divorce, so he is cooperating just enough to make it not worth hauling him into court, but so little that things are moving at a snail's pace.

This is par for the course with him.  In the past, he would get what he wanted by simply insisting on something over and over and over, no yelling or anything, just the same thing again and again and again no matter what you said until you just wanted to jam ballpoint pens in your ears so you wouldn't have to hear it anymore, and then it was just easier to do what he wanted so that he would shut up.  It got him all kinds of things in the past, so I suppose he's not unreasonable to try it, but it does seem that after 2 years, it might be time to move on.

Now, I know you're wondering:  "How hot does this woman have to be that this man doesn't want to let her go?"  Well, thanks for asking; you're too kind.  And, I know someone is asking, "Why would this man even want to be with such a faithless hussy?"  Also a fair question.  But it's not about me at all.  It's about control.  For him, this is not convenient, so it shouldn't be happening.  So he is trying to pretend that it isn't.

This leads me to my point (I usually do have one).  When I told my ex I wanted a divorce, he immediately started buying self-help books about how to save your marriage, fight for your marriage, improve your marriage without talking about it, etc.  I was amazed to find that some (not all) of these books and websites advocated that people in his position do exactly what he has done all along:  ignore what your spouse tells you.  If she says she wants a divorce, she's not really in her right mind.  She's mistaken about your ability to change.  Just keep showing her what a great guy you are.  Even if she says she's done, you're not done! Keep at it!  Is she having an affair?  No problem!  Just keep driving your point home, over and over and over.  Never give up!  Ever!  There's even a section on one of the website forums called "Divorced But Not Done."  I kid you not.

What humiliating advice, for everyone.  I can see trying to weasel another chance out of a situation that is rapidly deteriorating, and going for the hail-Mary pass in case it just might work.  I can see trying to demonstrate your ability to be a better spouse and parent, to show that you see the error of your ways and are willing to work on your contributions to the problem, and even to try to outshine the Other Woman or Other Man for a time.  But at some point, no is no, done is done, dead is dead.  For me, seeing him lurching at me again and again, saying the same things over and over but not actually respecting my wishes or changing his behavior in any meaningful way, is just creepy.  It's like fighting off a zombie apocalypse for 2+ years.

I really wish he'd go find someone else's brain to devour.

Happy New Year, More to Come

I know it has been a little while since I posted, but between a bad knee injury, Chanukah (my kids, my ex, and I are Jewish) and Christmas (my parents and extended family are Christian), traveling, a family wedding, and getting back into the groove of work and school, I have been swamped.  Not that I think anyone is hanging on by their fingernails for a dispatch from me, but I didn't want to give the impression that I've abandoned this blog.  I plan to return in full force to my trademark brilliance erelong.

If you're reading, I hope you had a great Christmas/Chanukah/Kwaanza/Solstice/Festivus/New Year.

Spin Control

A Facebook “friend” (not someone I actually know well) posted this link on his Facebook page with the comment, “I have one thing to say:  TACKY!”

Here’s the link.  Go ahead and read it; I’ll wait right here.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/19/fashion/weddings/19vows.html?_r=1&ref=weddings

Tacky?  Well, yes.  I keep trying to imagine what might have possessed them to put all of this in the Times.   I can only think that maybe they’d had enough of gossip and speculation from their social circle and wished to set the record straight and proceed with everything in the open.  People won’t whisper behind their backs as much if they release the information themselves and act like it’s not a big deal.  Also, by being the ones to tell the story, they can control the spin, or at least have some counterpart to the version already in circulation, where she’s a homewrecker and he’s a cad.  Still, it seems disrespectful to the exes, who didn’t ask for the bottom to drop out of their lives.

By the way, I know the article specifies that they didn’t consummate their emotional affair by having a physical affair.  Maybe this is true; maybe not, but I don’t think it really matters.  Once you step out emotionally, it’s a betrayal, and the only difference between an emotional affair and a physical affair is a matter of its degree, not its nature.  In the end, they both left their spouses to be with someone else.  It’s the same result.

I remember when the managing partner (then married with 4 kids) of a company where I used to work had an affair with the marketing director.  Even after the other partners had all been served with subpoenas in his divorce case (watch out for holiday parties!), he still tried to go the Bill Clinton route and claim that they didn’t have an inappropriate relationship.  Everyone knew about this affair, from the top brass down to the people in the mailroom (they see EVERYTHING).  It was a ridiculous thing to deny.  About 3 years later, a former co-worker forwarded me a birth announcement for the partner’s and the marketing director’s newborn son – they had gotten married in the interim.  So I suppose that’s another option in the balls-out category:  just pretend like everything is completely normal, and that nothing about the situation is remotely improper.  Is that better?

Of course then there’s the version that DB’s ex favors, which is to be able to sue me for “alienation of affections” for stealing her husband (a cause of action now eliminated in almost all U.S. states, including the one in which I live, and rightfully so – it’s not like I entrapped DB; he made a choice).  I think if she could put me in the stocks in the town square for people to throw rotten fruit at me and require me to wear a scarlet letter every day for the rest of my life, she’d do that, too.  I guess it makes her feel vindicated.

It’s not that I have no shame.  And it’s not that I think anyone who ends up in my situation should wallow in shame forever.  I just don’t think it’s anyone’s business.  I’m not holding myself up as a paragon of virtue; I’m not a Republican politician or a televangelist.  I’m just doing the best I can.  I’m trying to raise my children and hold down a job and pay my rent and make a life and do better.  That’s mostly the sense I get from the Times article people, except for the fact that they put it in the Times, and seem to have a lot more money and status than I do.

In the end, though, I can only wish them well.  Because it’s not like I’m exactly in a position to judge anyone.

Man's Best Friend

Did you know that a 42-lb standard poodle can swallow an entire rib bone whole? Me, neither, but I saw the X-rays myself.  DB's dog from his prior marriage has adopted me and my kids as part of his "pack" (apparently I am now the alpha bitch), because I take care of him when DB travels.  Stepdog follows me around the house, guards me from other people and dogs when we go walking, lets me know when the kids are getting into something, and sleeps next to me when DB isn't here (he doesn't even do that with DB).  He is a sweetheart, and I really adore him.  I'm really more of a cat person usually, but this is a great dog.

So, a few weeks ago, DB had made ribs, and admittedly gave Stepdog one of the bones, WHICH WE WILL NEVER, EVER DO AGAIN.  As soon as we heard a crunch, DB went to retrieve the bone, but the mistake was giving Stepdog another bone.  Because Stepdog decided he was damned if someone was going to take away his second bone, so he ran off with it and swallowed it whole.  Strong work.

To our credit, we leapt into action, rushed Stepdog to the emergency vet, and he had surgery to remove the bone.  Stepdog recovered quickly and is now back to his goofy self.

Upon reflection, I realized that (a) I was really glad I was there to support DB, that there was no place I'd rather be at that moment than by his side, even if that happened to be in an emergency vet hospital, where he was freaking out with guilt and worry and needed me to tell him what I thought he should do; and (b) I have a Stepdog.  We are becoming a family, incrementally and slowly, we are counting on each other and making decisions together.  I know it's a far cry from combining households and finances and children, but for a very long time, I never thought we would ever be able to be together even this much.  It's like a dream come true, even the suck parts.

Of course, for Stepdog, as long as he has plenty of food and affection and a warm place to sleep, it's all great.  But I look in his eyes and can tell that he's wondering whether there's any place he can put the next bone that this bitch won't come after it.

Deja vu

Last year, for Thanksgiving, my ex had the kids.  I had considered having everyone over for dinner and trying to give the kids a sense of normalcy, but we just weren't there yet.  I drank too much wine, ate pie, and watched movies.  This year, I had the kids, and I considered again inviting the ex over for dinner, and was about to do so when my ex sent me an e-mail in which he tried to make me feel guilty for the fact that he did not have Thanksgiving plans.  The irony was thick on the ground.  I decided that I didn't want to invite him.

Instead, I sent an e-mail to the entire single parent group at my synagogue with a rather light, amusing, and whimsical invitation to come over and have turkey with me and the kids, because it is kind of depressing to sit around and eat pie and drink wine by yourself.  I got 2 takers: one sent to me by the synagogue's service program who was described as an older, grandmotherly Croatian lady but who was really quite a firecracker, very stylish and opinionated and hilarious; the other a single dad from the group, whose children were with his ex for the holiday.  I had been very clear in my e-mail that I had a significant other, so I was really hoping that Single Dad wouldn't decide to hit on me.  And he didn't; he was completely appropriate, played games with my kids, kept up his end of the conversation, even brought a bottle of wine and had made some spiced sugared almonds that were quite good.  My ex doesn't know how to cook much of anything, so I was impressed by this.

Eventually I did ask him about his story, what he did for a living, whether his ex lived close, how they shared the children, etc.  And here's the spooky part.  It was like listening to a different variation of my own story, minus the affair (so far as I know).  He is in the same profession, and the same specialty within that profession, as my ex, and even knows who he is, though doesn't know him personally.  He worked for a big company, put in tons of hours, hated his job, fought with his wife because of the hours and because she was trapped at home with their small children, and the rest is history.  So I'm looking at this guy, realizing that as a reasonably attractive, smart, funny, successful person around my age, this is who my dating pool would be, if I were on the dating market.  And he's basically just a different version of my ex, with a little more culinary and social adeptness thrown in.

On the upside, I think the yenta wants to introduce him to her daughter.  Or maybe she was eyeing him for herself.  More power to her!