Yesterday my 13 year old male tabby cat, who I left behind with my ex, died. He was the world's sweetest cat. My ex and I got him the year after we married, and he was our first baby (I always liked my ex for being a cat person). Whenever I was alone and distraught, the cat would snuggle up to me and make me feel better. I really believe that he knew when I needed the comfort. It was torture to leave him behind when I moved out, but it felt like the right thing to do, both for the cat and my ex. I have really missed him. I always used my trips to my ex's to pick up or drop off the kids as a chance for kitty visitation, and he always ran to meet me to be petted and to shed fur on my clothes.
Earlier in the week, the cat started wheezing, and we thought maybe it was asthma or something treatable. Turns out it was terminal cancer. My ex was with the cat when he was euthanized, which I'm very glad about. I'm glad that the cat had someone he loved, and who loved him, to see him through his last moments. I had done the same with our other cat, also much beloved, a few years ago, and it was emotionally brutal. I had a lot of empathy for my ex.
Tonight my ex and I sat down with the kids to explain it to them, which went about as well as could be expected under the circumstances. I had brought a 3-ring binder, paper, crayons, and some photos of the cat. We explained what had happened, hugged them, read them some books (Mr. Rogers could explain anything to a kid, I'm convinced), looked at pictures of the cat and talked about him, and encouraged the kids to draw pictures and write about how they felt. We did a lot of hugging and crying. I think we handled it the right way. In the night, my son woke up and was upset about the cat. He was at his dad's, and I'm glad the his dad did what I would have done: curled up with him, stroked his hair, reassured him, and stayed with him until he fell back asleep. This is the kind of thing I focus on when my ex annoys me. He loves our children.
The cat represents more than just a cat, of course. He was one of the symbols of our early marriage, how I felt in those days, one of our first cooperative projects. I loved that my ex loved the cat, that he would sleep with us, and that sometimes I would wake up to see that cat, lying on his back with his head between ours on the pillows. A lot of people "get over" their pets when their children are born, and though certainly the children were always the first priority, we never stopped loving the cat.
It is hard to let go. My heart really goes out to my ex at this time, and I am glad to hear that he plans to adopt another pair of cats, who the children will get to pick and name, in a couple of months. I'm proud that we were able to be there for our children and help them navigate through this. It gives me hope that we can continue to cooperate and support each other.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Truth
I am a horrible liar. Absolutely the worst. I have all the tells - giving too much detail and then contradicting myself, fidgeting, stammering, looking into the upper corners of my field of vision, inability to answer simple questions. It's a good thing I don't play poker. How I ever got away with the enormity and duration of the lie I perpetrated is completely beyond me.
And that worries me. I don't want to be a good liar. I don't want to be a liar at all. It is a bad habit, one that quickly gets easier with practice. We've all known people who actually lose track of what is actually true vs. what they made up or want to believe. That is not the person I want to be. These are not the values I want to teach my children.
DB and I have been talking about this a lot lately. He also feels haunted by this loss of integrity, not because of anyone else's opinion of what he has done, but because of his own opinion of himself. We are also hyper-aware that if we cannot be absolutely honest with each other, we will not last. Truth is vital.
In my religious tradition (Reform Judaism), people are deemed to have a "good impulse" and a "bad impulse," and we always have a choice about which impulse to follow. The more frequently you do good things, the easier it becomes to do more good things, and that is why we view someone as a "good" person. It's not that the person has no negative thoughts or desires and never does anything wrong, but rather that he or she is good at recognizing and choosing the higher road most of the time. The opposite is also true, so when we do bad things, repeatedly, it becomes harder to resist the parts of ourselves that are selfish and petty and greedy and lazy. The good news is that we can always turn it around, but it takes work.
I want to turn it around. I am making a conscious effort every day to be honest, to take responsibility for what I say and rebuild my integrity. Every time I find myself tempted to "spin" the truth, I stop and ask myself why. Of course, diplomacy and tact are still important, but never at the expense of trust and integrity.
If you're considering having an affair, or involved in an affair, I encourage you to ask yourself whether this is the kind of person you want to be. Eventually, if you lie enough, you become a liar. It's hard to come back from that, and painful and ugly to confront. A little honesty now could save you a lot of trouble down the road. That's the truth.
Friday, February 25, 2011
He Knows
In the course of negotiating a settlement with my ex, I finally found out that he knows that I am seeing DB, and that he knows who he is. Truly, I wasn't really trying that hard to hide the fact that I'm seeing someone now, 2 years post separation. I just didn't want him to know about the affair. More than any legal or financial consequences, my biggest worry was that he would think that was why I left him, and it wasn't. I shouldn't have had the affair, but I would have left anyway, and for good reasons. Equally importantly, I didn't want it to interfere with co-parenting. We have a good relationship as parents. We can both go to our children's events and sit together without gritting our teeth. We communicate about issues relating to the kids, large and small, long-term and short-term. We've built up a lot of goodwill, and that can only help the children.
But, I'm pretty sure he does, on some level, know my relationship with DB started before the separation. At least in hindsight, he has to know. The signs were all there - the jumpiness, the increased texting and IM-ing, the distraction, the irritability ... I was like a textbook case, and the timing fits. In fact, my ex said that he could certainly speculate about the timing of the relationship and whether it related to our problems, but he didn't care about that anymore. I don't think that's true - he has to care. It's more likely that he doesn't really want to know, that he doesn't think the information would be helpful. And it wouldn't.
In the end, it was a productive conversation. My ex wasn't angry; he just wanted me to know he knew. I'm relieved that I don't feel compelled to hide a big piece of my life anymore. I see his acknowledgment that I'm now in a relationship as a sign that my ex is starting to move on, and that is healthy for him. If he is a happier person, my children will have a happier father, and I want that for them, and for him.
Now, underneath it all, he still wants me back. I know this because he said so. But, in the same sentence, he said that he would no longer obstruct the divorce settlement because he had realized it was what I needed. Sort of an "if you love something, set it free" approach. He has finally accepted that he can't force me back into his paradigm.
I truly don't hate my ex. We were not well suited to each other, or rather, we were too suited to each other in the exact wrong ways. [Cue in Prince's "When Doves Cry"] He married someone like his mother, who would cushion him from taking responsibility for himself or others. He emulated his father, a brilliant but absent minded and socially and emotionally inept professor who has no way of conceptualizing people on their own terms. I married someone like my father, who always gets his way. I emulated my mother, a chronically depressed martyr. It's a typical codependent cycle. Eventually, though, it seemed like I had learned whatever lesson I was supposed to have learned from that experience, and the situation wasn't going to change, so it was time to move on.
Now, what have I learned? That's a question for another post.
But, I'm pretty sure he does, on some level, know my relationship with DB started before the separation. At least in hindsight, he has to know. The signs were all there - the jumpiness, the increased texting and IM-ing, the distraction, the irritability ... I was like a textbook case, and the timing fits. In fact, my ex said that he could certainly speculate about the timing of the relationship and whether it related to our problems, but he didn't care about that anymore. I don't think that's true - he has to care. It's more likely that he doesn't really want to know, that he doesn't think the information would be helpful. And it wouldn't.
In the end, it was a productive conversation. My ex wasn't angry; he just wanted me to know he knew. I'm relieved that I don't feel compelled to hide a big piece of my life anymore. I see his acknowledgment that I'm now in a relationship as a sign that my ex is starting to move on, and that is healthy for him. If he is a happier person, my children will have a happier father, and I want that for them, and for him.
Now, underneath it all, he still wants me back. I know this because he said so. But, in the same sentence, he said that he would no longer obstruct the divorce settlement because he had realized it was what I needed. Sort of an "if you love something, set it free" approach. He has finally accepted that he can't force me back into his paradigm.
I truly don't hate my ex. We were not well suited to each other, or rather, we were too suited to each other in the exact wrong ways. [Cue in Prince's "When Doves Cry"] He married someone like his mother, who would cushion him from taking responsibility for himself or others. He emulated his father, a brilliant but absent minded and socially and emotionally inept professor who has no way of conceptualizing people on their own terms. I married someone like my father, who always gets his way. I emulated my mother, a chronically depressed martyr. It's a typical codependent cycle. Eventually, though, it seemed like I had learned whatever lesson I was supposed to have learned from that experience, and the situation wasn't going to change, so it was time to move on.
Now, what have I learned? That's a question for another post.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Sleepless in the Suburbs
I'm marooned on the couch by my insomnia. DB is sleeping peacefully; Stepdog is sprawled out on the floor beside me, snurffling through dreams of chasing rabbits; my children are resting up at their father's house for a cub scout snow tubing trip tomorrow. I have a work event in the morning, but I can't sleep, and I'm realizing it's because I'm worrying the same set of thoughts over and over again.
DB is tortured by the fact that he is not part of his children's immediate daily lives. He Skypes with them every day, helps them with homework, reads books to them, and hears about their days. He is as present with them as he can be from 2,000 miles away. He visits them as often as finances allow. It kills him that he can't be with them more. DB is in the military and must live where the military tells him to live. When his ex took the children and moved across the country, unannounced, he decided not to put his children through a custody battle he might lose, and so now he is trying to be the best father he can be given the limits placed on him. The day-to-day is tolerable, but he is deeply mourning the loss of the relationships he had wanted to have with his children. I don't know how to help him, or if I can.
DB has to decide whether he wants to stay in the military, and this affects all kinds of other questions that in turn affect me. There are big reasons to stay: retention bonuses every year, possibility of promotion, and in not many more years, he could retire with a full pension. Free healthcare for both of us for life (if we marry), and for his children until they're out of college, lifetime commissary privileges, good stuff. Very low likelihood that he would be sent into the line of fire or for a long deployment at this point in his career. We could probably designate a location and pretty much stay in and around there. I support DB's desire to continue serving our country, and his career in the military is a big part of who he is, and for the market in his line of work, the military is sounding like a good place to stay. If he doesn't want to stay in, I support that, too. Not being in the military gives one much more flexibility and choices.
But, either way, I can't leave the place where I live. My ex, the father of my children, is here. I can't take my children away from a father who loves them and wants to be involved in their lives, however infuriating and inept he might be at times. And DB could, via the military, relocate across the country, closer to his children. I want DB to be closer to his children, not just for DB but also for his children. There's an off chance that I might be able to get my ex to move, but it's a huge disruption to ask of anyone, and I've done enough to disrupt my ex's life already. Also, my family (and also DB's family, and my ex's family) are all on this side of the country. I can't realistically see how it would be possible or even beneficial for me to leave.
So I'm in knots. It's not that I expect anyone to feel sorry for us, that we betrayed our spouses and now don't get to have a love-nest in the location of our choosing. It's that I honestly don't see an outcome that doesn't involve a load of hurt. DB tells me that he doesn't see a future without me, and that is reassuring. But I don't want any children to suffer, and I don't want DB to suffer. If he tells me that he has to move closer to his kids, and we have to be long-distance, I will do it. If I can't be with him, I don't want anyone else. I can't ask him to choose between me and his children, just as I know he would never ask that of me. But I want only him. This is it for me.
Bottom line, I am glad I left my ex, but I still have to co-parent with him. At the same time, DB wants to be a good father to his children, and I support that. I wish DB's ex hadn't chosen her own professional and political interests over those of her children, but it is what it is. I know that in the end, I have to do what's best for my own children and support whatever DB needs to do for himself and his children. I will love him, and only him, for the rest of my life no matter what. So here we are.
DB is tortured by the fact that he is not part of his children's immediate daily lives. He Skypes with them every day, helps them with homework, reads books to them, and hears about their days. He is as present with them as he can be from 2,000 miles away. He visits them as often as finances allow. It kills him that he can't be with them more. DB is in the military and must live where the military tells him to live. When his ex took the children and moved across the country, unannounced, he decided not to put his children through a custody battle he might lose, and so now he is trying to be the best father he can be given the limits placed on him. The day-to-day is tolerable, but he is deeply mourning the loss of the relationships he had wanted to have with his children. I don't know how to help him, or if I can.
DB has to decide whether he wants to stay in the military, and this affects all kinds of other questions that in turn affect me. There are big reasons to stay: retention bonuses every year, possibility of promotion, and in not many more years, he could retire with a full pension. Free healthcare for both of us for life (if we marry), and for his children until they're out of college, lifetime commissary privileges, good stuff. Very low likelihood that he would be sent into the line of fire or for a long deployment at this point in his career. We could probably designate a location and pretty much stay in and around there. I support DB's desire to continue serving our country, and his career in the military is a big part of who he is, and for the market in his line of work, the military is sounding like a good place to stay. If he doesn't want to stay in, I support that, too. Not being in the military gives one much more flexibility and choices.
But, either way, I can't leave the place where I live. My ex, the father of my children, is here. I can't take my children away from a father who loves them and wants to be involved in their lives, however infuriating and inept he might be at times. And DB could, via the military, relocate across the country, closer to his children. I want DB to be closer to his children, not just for DB but also for his children. There's an off chance that I might be able to get my ex to move, but it's a huge disruption to ask of anyone, and I've done enough to disrupt my ex's life already. Also, my family (and also DB's family, and my ex's family) are all on this side of the country. I can't realistically see how it would be possible or even beneficial for me to leave.
So I'm in knots. It's not that I expect anyone to feel sorry for us, that we betrayed our spouses and now don't get to have a love-nest in the location of our choosing. It's that I honestly don't see an outcome that doesn't involve a load of hurt. DB tells me that he doesn't see a future without me, and that is reassuring. But I don't want any children to suffer, and I don't want DB to suffer. If he tells me that he has to move closer to his kids, and we have to be long-distance, I will do it. If I can't be with him, I don't want anyone else. I can't ask him to choose between me and his children, just as I know he would never ask that of me. But I want only him. This is it for me.
Bottom line, I am glad I left my ex, but I still have to co-parent with him. At the same time, DB wants to be a good father to his children, and I support that. I wish DB's ex hadn't chosen her own professional and political interests over those of her children, but it is what it is. I know that in the end, I have to do what's best for my own children and support whatever DB needs to do for himself and his children. I will love him, and only him, for the rest of my life no matter what. So here we are.
Monday, January 17, 2011
So I Married a Zombie
Thanks for waiting patiently, if you're still out there reading.
Things are finally settling down into Midwinter Funk mode: a little dark, but with a groovy bass line. I'm working very hard on some unfinished business: first and foremost, finally getting divorced. Believe me, I know how ridiculous it is that I'm not divorced yet. It's embarrassing. I moved out 2 years ago. It's not that I have been ambivalent; it's that my ex doesn't do well when he doesn't get what he wants. He's not digging in his heels about the kids or money or anything like that. He simply does not want a divorce, so he is cooperating just enough to make it not worth hauling him into court, but so little that things are moving at a snail's pace.
This is par for the course with him. In the past, he would get what he wanted by simply insisting on something over and over and over, no yelling or anything, just the same thing again and again and again no matter what you said until you just wanted to jam ballpoint pens in your ears so you wouldn't have to hear it anymore, and then it was just easier to do what he wanted so that he would shut up. It got him all kinds of things in the past, so I suppose he's not unreasonable to try it, but it does seem that after 2 years, it might be time to move on.
This is par for the course with him. In the past, he would get what he wanted by simply insisting on something over and over and over, no yelling or anything, just the same thing again and again and again no matter what you said until you just wanted to jam ballpoint pens in your ears so you wouldn't have to hear it anymore, and then it was just easier to do what he wanted so that he would shut up. It got him all kinds of things in the past, so I suppose he's not unreasonable to try it, but it does seem that after 2 years, it might be time to move on.
Now, I know you're wondering: "How hot does this woman have to be that this man doesn't want to let her go?" Well, thanks for asking; you're too kind. And, I know someone is asking, "Why would this man even want to be with such a faithless hussy?" Also a fair question. But it's not about me at all. It's about control. For him, this is not convenient, so it shouldn't be happening. So he is trying to pretend that it isn't.
This leads me to my point (I usually do have one). When I told my ex I wanted a divorce, he immediately started buying self-help books about how to save your marriage, fight for your marriage, improve your marriage without talking about it, etc. I was amazed to find that some (not all) of these books and websites advocated that people in his position do exactly what he has done all along: ignore what your spouse tells you. If she says she wants a divorce, she's not really in her right mind. She's mistaken about your ability to change. Just keep showing her what a great guy you are. Even if she says she's done, you're not done! Keep at it! Is she having an affair? No problem! Just keep driving your point home, over and over and over. Never give up! Ever! There's even a section on one of the website forums called "Divorced But Not Done." I kid you not.
What humiliating advice, for everyone. I can see trying to weasel another chance out of a situation that is rapidly deteriorating, and going for the hail-Mary pass in case it just might work. I can see trying to demonstrate your ability to be a better spouse and parent, to show that you see the error of your ways and are willing to work on your contributions to the problem, and even to try to outshine the Other Woman or Other Man for a time. But at some point, no is no, done is done, dead is dead. For me, seeing him lurching at me again and again, saying the same things over and over but not actually respecting my wishes or changing his behavior in any meaningful way, is just creepy. It's like fighting off a zombie apocalypse for 2+ years.
I really wish he'd go find someone else's brain to devour.
What humiliating advice, for everyone. I can see trying to weasel another chance out of a situation that is rapidly deteriorating, and going for the hail-Mary pass in case it just might work. I can see trying to demonstrate your ability to be a better spouse and parent, to show that you see the error of your ways and are willing to work on your contributions to the problem, and even to try to outshine the Other Woman or Other Man for a time. But at some point, no is no, done is done, dead is dead. For me, seeing him lurching at me again and again, saying the same things over and over but not actually respecting my wishes or changing his behavior in any meaningful way, is just creepy. It's like fighting off a zombie apocalypse for 2+ years.
I really wish he'd go find someone else's brain to devour.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Happy New Year, More to Come
I know it has been a little while since I posted, but between a bad knee injury, Chanukah (my kids, my ex, and I are Jewish) and Christmas (my parents and extended family are Christian), traveling, a family wedding, and getting back into the groove of work and school, I have been swamped. Not that I think anyone is hanging on by their fingernails for a dispatch from me, but I didn't want to give the impression that I've abandoned this blog. I plan to return in full force to my trademark brilliance erelong.
If you're reading, I hope you had a great Christmas/Chanukah/Kwaanza/Solstice/Festivus/New Year.
If you're reading, I hope you had a great Christmas/Chanukah/Kwaanza/Solstice/Festivus/New Year.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Spin Control
A Facebook “friend” (not someone I actually know well) posted this link on his Facebook page with the comment, “I have one thing to say: TACKY!”
Here’s the link. Go ahead and read it; I’ll wait right here.
Tacky? Well, yes. I keep trying to imagine what might have possessed them to put all of this in the Times. I can only think that maybe they’d had enough of gossip and speculation from their social circle and wished to set the record straight and proceed with everything in the open. People won’t whisper behind their backs as much if they release the information themselves and act like it’s not a big deal. Also, by being the ones to tell the story, they can control the spin, or at least have some counterpart to the version already in circulation, where she’s a homewrecker and he’s a cad. Still, it seems disrespectful to the exes, who didn’t ask for the bottom to drop out of their lives.
By the way, I know the article specifies that they didn’t consummate their emotional affair by having a physical affair. Maybe this is true; maybe not, but I don’t think it really matters. Once you step out emotionally, it’s a betrayal, and the only difference between an emotional affair and a physical affair is a matter of its degree, not its nature. In the end, they both left their spouses to be with someone else. It’s the same result.
I remember when the managing partner (then married with 4 kids) of a company where I used to work had an affair with the marketing director. Even after the other partners had all been served with subpoenas in his divorce case (watch out for holiday parties!), he still tried to go the Bill Clinton route and claim that they didn’t have an inappropriate relationship. Everyone knew about this affair, from the top brass down to the people in the mailroom (they see EVERYTHING). It was a ridiculous thing to deny. About 3 years later, a former co-worker forwarded me a birth announcement for the partner’s and the marketing director’s newborn son – they had gotten married in the interim. So I suppose that’s another option in the balls-out category: just pretend like everything is completely normal, and that nothing about the situation is remotely improper. Is that better?
Of course then there’s the version that DB’s ex favors, which is to be able to sue me for “alienation of affections” for stealing her husband (a cause of action now eliminated in almost all U.S. states, including the one in which I live, and rightfully so – it’s not like I entrapped DB; he made a choice). I think if she could put me in the stocks in the town square for people to throw rotten fruit at me and require me to wear a scarlet letter every day for the rest of my life, she’d do that, too. I guess it makes her feel vindicated.
It’s not that I have no shame. And it’s not that I think anyone who ends up in my situation should wallow in shame forever. I just don’t think it’s anyone’s business. I’m not holding myself up as a paragon of virtue; I’m not a Republican politician or a televangelist. I’m just doing the best I can. I’m trying to raise my children and hold down a job and pay my rent and make a life and do better. That’s mostly the sense I get from the Times article people, except for the fact that they put it in the Times, and seem to have a lot more money and status than I do.
In the end, though, I can only wish them well. Because it’s not like I’m exactly in a position to judge anyone.
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