Outcast

The other day, DB was telling me how hard it is for him to take his children to birthday parties and other community events when he goes to visit them on the other side of the country, where his ex took them. He knows that his ex has told everyone that he cheated on her. He knows that he gets viewed as a player (which he isn't). His ex's friends give him the hairy eyeball, and the dads also look askance because they think he might flirt with their wives. He says he would go through any humiliation just to be in his children's lives. And it's true; he would. It's not easy, though. The shame and guilt are a huge burden, and though he did a bad thing, he isn't a bad person, so it's painful to be perceived as one.

I have been fortunate enough not to face that very much. Few people know for sure that I cheated on my ex, including my ex, and though I'm sure some people wonder, they're not going to say anything to my face about it. The few who I've told have actually been pretty accepting because they know my ex. The only person who has rejected me is my former BFF, and I think that has a lot more to do with her insecurities than with me, because I have always been a steady friend to her through all her dark places. I have close friends who don't know. I've contemplated telling them, but I worry. Does having cheated on my ex, and doing so with another woman's husband, bar me for life from the sisterhood of women? Does it matter that DB's ex was not a particularly nice woman? Probably not. Honestly, my biggest critic is me. It's hard to forgive myself.

I am lucky not to have been cast out by most of my peers. I am a good friend. I will pour you a glass of wine, give you a moment to collect yourself, wipe your child's nose, give him/her a snack, and turn on Nick Jr. so that you can hear yourself think. I am loyal and protective and pragmatic. I don't judge. I have no right to do that. But if you know what I'd done, would you still be my friend?

Day to day, all I can do is what I have to do. I raise my children, I advocate for their needs, I try my best to be a good mom and employee and friend and girlfriend and ex-wife. I'm not a predator or a fallen woman or any more of a sinner than anyone else.

I've reminded DB that everyone who's passing judgment on him has their own baggage. They have addictions or secrets or shameful pasts or affairs or embezzlements or bad debts or frauds of their own. Human nature is what it is. People are far more complex and duplicitous and tortured and beautiful and noble and horrible and conflicted than is really appropriate to discuss at cocktail parties. Those of us who've run the minefield understand that far better than most. I've come to the conclusion that it's pointless to try to control public perception of ourselves. While there's no point in airing our dirty laundry, people are going to think what they think, and we can either let our mistakes define who we are, or let our lives show that we have learned to do better.

What I Did Over Summer Vacation

I hadn’t meant to let so much time go by without posting.  It’s just that things kept sucking, and I kept not knowing how to talk about it, and then it got to the point where I wasn’t even sure how to catch up.

Kind of like that.

My ex still isn’t over me and has found every reason possible to stall divorce proceedings. In June, he told the kids that if Mommy married someone else that he was going to move far away from all of us. They were completely hysterical, and I proceeded to do like this to the ex:

I really miss him a lot.

Then, the ex managed to fall off a ladder and shatter the living crap out of his tibia. He had to have surgery and only just now got off crutches. Imagine for a moment that you’re power-washing the side of your house.  Imagine that you prop up the ladder, but there’s a bush in the way, so you set the ladder so that one of the top rails is against the house, and the other rail is out in mid-air with nothing to ground it.  And then you try to climb it.  Except you would never do that, because that would be stupid.

So, that jacked over the summer.  Don’t get me wrong, I feel sorry for the guy.  It was painful, and he’ll probably never walk right again, but sweet baby Jesus eating a corndog (thank you Neil Gaiman) was that a stupid thing to do.

What else?  DB.  He is a sweetheart, met my mother, has been spending more time with my children, and we will probably do Thanksgiving together with someone’s family.  He’s really a rock for me.  And he is probably moving to the other coast sometime next year to be with his children, who he misses desperately.  He has to go to them.  Of course he does.  And I am completely devastated all the same.

I can’t move out of state with my children.  Their father is a tool, but he’s the father they have.  To the extent that he can love anyone besides himself, he loves them.  Some days seem like a closer call than others, but on the whole I believe that taking him out of their lives would screw them up far worse than whatever he’s going to do or not do as a parent.  And, I was the one who ended the marriage.  I already broke up their home.  I can’t do anything to make that worse.  So I’m stuck here.  Unless I can convince the ex to move across the country, which is not outside the realm of possibility, but certainly outside the realm of probability.

In all of this, I had this picture that if DB and I could get out of our bad marriages, we could be together and have a daily life and a home.  We could help raise each other’s children and take out the garbage and pay the bills and fall asleep in the same bed nearly every night.  We could progress through middle age and enjoy our health for a couple more decades.  But the reality is that my youngest is 6.  I’m probably not going anywhere for the next 12 years.

I’m heartbroken.  Maybe I deserve it, but there it is.

The thing is, DB says he still wants to marry me.  He wants to figure out a way to make it work, even if we can’t live in the same state.  I know people do it, they’re separated for work or deployments or other obligations.  But how many people start out their marriages apart?  Second marriages already have a lower success rate than first marriages.  How much more strain can we take?

I don’t know the answers.  I just know that this is the only person I want to be with.  And I know we both have to do right by our children, and that trumps everything else, whether we like it or not.  Perhaps the reason I couldn’t write sooner was that I was hoping for some resolution to occur to me.  It hasn’t.  I think I just need to keep writing anyway.

Daddy Issues

So I just got home from visiting my parents, with my kids.  You know those sweet grandparents who are eternally patient and understanding, give you candy, take an interest in your life, and make all your visits fun and special?  Yeah, my parents aren't those grandparents.  My father is ex-military, and he was off the chain.  I expect an e-mail from him within the next 48 hours telling me that my son is going to be a sociopath if I don't "get control" over him.  That has happened before, and as you can imagine, it's super-helpful and really makes me want to bring the kids around more.  While The Boy is sometimes a pain in the behind, and while he does have some sensory processing problems, he's really no more annoying than other kids his age are, on the whole he does well at school and at home, and somehow my dad really brings out the contrary in him.  Perhaps it's the screaming, or the name-calling ("Mommy, Grandpa called me the a-word three times!"), or the jerking things out of his hands.  It never goes well.  My mom makes excuses for him, but I know better.  I was raised by this man, and I've spent hours in therapy trying to come to terms with it.  I can't subject my child to that.

I don't blame any of my actions or choices on my father.  I own those things.  I do think that he helped me to become an anxious, codependent person who has always been attracted to narcissists and has always given her control away.  The more I try not to be that person, the more I see the extent to which I have been that person, and how deep those qualities go.  Still, it's not his fault.  The anxiety is probably hard-wired and hereditary; I just never learned how to manage it effectively until now.  As for the rest of it, he didn't meant to feed those traits; he just didn't know any better, and he is extremely limited emotionally.  I am truly trying to make better choices, and take responsibility for the person I am from here on out.  I don't seek to control or manipulate other people by trying to be what they want me to be, nor do I resent people when they don't do what I want, or at least I try to realize when I'm doing it, and let it go.  Passive aggression is still aggression, and it helped to destroy my marriage, and it nearly destroyed me and my relationship with my children.  I am so glad to be free of it (mostly).

I don't know what to do going forward with my father, but I have to say that I am not tied in knots about it as I would have been a few years ago.  This man has actually driven me into panic attacks on multiple occasions.  He chooses to be an unhappy person who thinks the world is out to get him.  I choose not to participate in his pathology anymore.  He can seek a loving relationship with his child and grandchildren, or he can rain down terror every time he doesn't get his way.  If he does the latter, I have to protect myself and my children from him.  I choose to seek happiness and love and integrity, to find my way out of the mess I've made, to have a calm, peaceful, and fulfilling life, whatever shape it takes.

For now, that's going to involve having a cocktail, watching a little crappy TV, and reading a good book.  The rest will take care of itself erelong.

The Cat

Yesterday my 13 year old male tabby cat, who I left behind with my ex, died.  He was the world's sweetest cat.  My ex and I got him the year after we married, and he was our first baby (I always liked my ex for being a cat person).  Whenever I was alone and distraught, the cat would snuggle up to me and make me feel better.  I really believe that he knew when I needed the comfort.  It was torture to leave him behind when I moved out, but it felt like the right thing to do, both for the cat and my ex.  I have really missed him.  I always used my trips to my ex's to pick up or drop off the kids as a chance for kitty visitation, and he always ran to meet me to be petted and to shed fur on my clothes.

Earlier in the week, the cat started wheezing, and we thought maybe it was asthma or something treatable.  Turns out it was terminal cancer.  My ex was with the cat when he was euthanized, which I'm very glad about.  I'm glad that the cat had someone he loved, and who loved him, to see him through his last moments.  I had done the same with our other cat, also much beloved, a few years ago, and it was emotionally brutal.  I had a lot of empathy for my ex.

Tonight my ex and I sat down with the kids to explain it to them, which went about as well as could be expected under the circumstances.  I had brought a 3-ring binder, paper, crayons, and some photos of the cat.  We explained what had happened, hugged them, read them some books (Mr. Rogers could explain anything to a kid, I'm convinced), looked at pictures of the cat and talked about him, and encouraged the kids to draw pictures and write about how they felt.  We did a lot of hugging and crying.  I think we handled it the right way.  In the night, my son woke up and was upset about the cat.  He was at his dad's, and I'm glad the his dad did what I would have done:  curled up with him, stroked his hair, reassured him, and stayed with him until he fell back asleep.  This is the kind of thing I focus on when my ex annoys me.  He loves our children.

The cat represents more than just a cat, of course.  He was one of the symbols of our early marriage, how I felt in those days, one of our first cooperative projects.  I loved that my ex loved the cat, that he would sleep with us, and that sometimes I would wake up to see that cat, lying on his back with his head between ours on the pillows.  A lot of people "get over" their pets when their children are born, and though certainly the children were always the first priority, we never stopped loving the cat.

It is hard to let go.  My heart really goes out to my ex at this time, and I am glad to hear that he plans to adopt another pair of cats, who the children will get to pick and name, in a couple of months.  I'm proud that we were able to be there for our children and help them navigate through this.  It gives me hope that we can continue to cooperate and support each other.

Truth

I am a horrible liar.  Absolutely the worst.  I have all the tells - giving too much detail and then contradicting myself, fidgeting, stammering, looking into the upper corners of my field of vision, inability to answer simple questions.  It's a good thing I don't play poker.  How I ever got away with the enormity and duration of the lie I perpetrated is completely beyond me.

And that worries me.  I don't want to be a good liar.  I don't want to be a liar at all.  It is a bad habit, one that quickly gets easier with practice.  We've all known people who actually lose track of what is actually true vs. what they made up or want to believe.  That is not the person I want to be.  These are not the values I want to teach my children.

DB and I have been talking about this a lot lately.  He also feels haunted by this loss of integrity, not because of anyone else's opinion of what he has done, but because of his own opinion of himself. We are also hyper-aware that if we cannot be absolutely honest with each other, we will not last.  Truth is vital.

In my religious tradition (Reform Judaism), people are deemed to have a "good impulse" and a "bad impulse," and we always have a choice about which impulse to follow.  The more frequently you do good things, the easier it becomes to do more good things, and that is why we view someone as a "good" person.  It's not that the person has no negative thoughts or desires and never does anything wrong, but rather that he or she is good at recognizing and choosing the higher road most of the time.  The opposite is also true, so when we do bad things, repeatedly, it becomes harder to resist the parts of ourselves that are selfish and petty and greedy and lazy.  The good news is that we can always turn it around, but it takes work.

I want to turn it around.  I am making a conscious effort every day to be honest, to take responsibility for what I say and rebuild my integrity.  Every time I find myself tempted to "spin" the truth, I stop and ask myself why.  Of course, diplomacy and tact are still important, but never at the expense of trust and integrity.

If you're considering having an affair, or involved in an affair, I encourage you to ask yourself whether this is the kind of person you want to be.  Eventually, if you lie enough, you become a liar.  It's hard to come back from that, and painful and ugly to confront.  A little honesty now could save you a lot of trouble down the road.  That's the truth.

He Knows

In the course of negotiating a settlement with my ex, I finally found out that he knows that I am seeing DB, and that he knows who he is.  Truly, I wasn't really trying that hard to hide the fact that I'm seeing someone now, 2 years post separation.  I just didn't want him to know about the affair.  More than any legal or financial consequences, my biggest worry was that he would think that was why I left him, and it wasn't.  I shouldn't have had the affair, but I would have left anyway, and for good reasons.  Equally importantly, I didn't want it to interfere with co-parenting.  We have a good relationship as parents.  We can both go to our children's events and sit together without gritting our teeth.  We communicate about issues relating to the kids, large and small, long-term and short-term.  We've built up a lot of goodwill, and that can only help the children.

But, I'm pretty sure he does, on some level, know my relationship with DB started before the separation.  At least in hindsight, he has to know.  The signs were all there - the jumpiness, the increased texting and IM-ing, the distraction, the irritability ... I was like a textbook case, and the timing fits.  In fact, my ex said that he could certainly speculate about the timing of the relationship and whether it related to our problems, but he didn't care about that anymore.  I don't think that's true - he has to care.  It's more likely that he doesn't really want to know, that he doesn't think the information would be helpful.  And it wouldn't.

In the end, it was a productive conversation.  My ex wasn't angry; he just wanted me to know he knew.  I'm relieved that I don't feel compelled to hide a big piece of my life anymore.  I see his acknowledgment that I'm now in a relationship as a sign that my ex is starting to move on, and that is healthy for him.  If he is a happier person, my children will have a happier father, and I want that for them, and for him.

Now, underneath it all, he still wants me back.  I know this because he said so.  But, in the same sentence, he said that he would no longer obstruct the divorce settlement because he had realized it was what I needed.  Sort of an "if you love something, set it free" approach.  He has finally accepted that he can't force me back into his paradigm.

I truly don't hate my ex.  We were not well suited to each other, or rather, we were too suited to each other in the exact wrong ways.  [Cue in Prince's "When Doves Cry"]  He married someone like his mother, who would cushion him from taking responsibility for himself or others.  He emulated his father, a brilliant but absent minded and socially and emotionally inept professor who has no way of conceptualizing people on their own terms.  I married someone like my father, who always gets his way.  I emulated my mother, a chronically depressed martyr.  It's a typical codependent cycle.  Eventually, though, it seemed like I had learned whatever lesson I was supposed to have learned from that experience, and the situation wasn't going to change, so it was time to move on.

Now, what have I learned?  That's a question for another post.

Sleepless in the Suburbs

I'm marooned on the couch by my insomnia.  DB is sleeping peacefully; Stepdog is sprawled out on the floor beside me, snurffling through dreams of chasing rabbits; my children are resting up at their father's house for a cub scout snow tubing trip tomorrow.  I have a work event in the morning, but I can't sleep, and I'm realizing it's because I'm worrying the same set of thoughts over and over again.

DB is tortured by the fact that he is not part of his children's immediate daily lives.  He Skypes with them every day, helps them with homework, reads books to them, and hears about their days.  He is as present with them as he can be from 2,000 miles away.  He visits them as often as finances allow.  It kills him that he can't be with them more.  DB is in the military and must live where the military tells him to live.  When his ex took the children and moved across the country, unannounced, he decided not to put his children through a custody battle he might lose, and so now he is trying to be the best father he can be given the limits placed on him.  The day-to-day is tolerable, but he is deeply mourning the loss of the relationships he had wanted to have with his children.  I don't know how to help him, or if I can.

DB has to decide whether he wants to stay in the military, and this affects all kinds of other questions that in turn affect me.  There are big reasons to stay:  retention bonuses every year, possibility of promotion, and in not many more years, he could retire with a full pension.  Free healthcare for both of us for life (if we marry), and for his children until they're out of college, lifetime commissary privileges, good stuff.  Very low likelihood that he would be sent into the line of fire or for a long deployment at this point in his career.  We could probably designate a location and pretty much stay in and around there.  I support DB's desire to continue serving our country, and his career in the military is a big part of who he is, and for the market in his line of work, the military is sounding like a good place to stay.  If he doesn't want to stay in, I support that, too.  Not being in the military gives one much more flexibility and choices.

But, either way, I can't leave the place where I live.  My ex, the father of my children, is here.  I can't take my children away from a father who loves them and wants to be involved in their lives, however infuriating and inept he might be at times.  And DB could, via the military, relocate across the country, closer to his children.  I want DB to be closer to his children, not just for DB but also for his children.  There's an off chance that I might be able to get my ex to move, but it's a huge disruption to ask of anyone, and I've done enough to disrupt my ex's life already.  Also, my family (and also DB's family, and my ex's family) are all on this side of the country.  I can't realistically see how it would be possible or even beneficial for me to leave.

So I'm in knots.  It's not that I expect anyone to feel sorry for us, that we betrayed our spouses and now don't get to have a love-nest in the location of our choosing.  It's that I honestly don't see an outcome that doesn't involve a load of hurt.  DB tells me that he doesn't see a future without me, and that is reassuring.  But I don't want any children to suffer, and I don't want DB to suffer.  If he tells me that he has to move closer to his kids, and we have to be long-distance, I will do it.  If I can't be with him, I don't want anyone else.  I can't ask him to choose between me and his children, just as I know he would never ask that of me. But I want only him.  This is it for me.

Bottom line, I am glad I left my ex, but I still have to co-parent with him.  At the same time, DB wants to be a good father to his children, and I support that.  I wish DB's ex hadn't chosen her own professional and political interests over those of her children, but it is what it is.  I know that in the end, I have to do what's best for my own children and support whatever DB needs to do for himself and his children.  I will love him, and only him, for the rest of my life no matter what.  So here we are.

So I Married a Zombie

Thanks for waiting patiently, if you're still out there reading.

Things are finally settling down into Midwinter Funk mode:  a little dark, but with a groovy bass line.  I'm working very hard on some unfinished business: first and foremost, finally getting divorced.  Believe me, I know how ridiculous it is that I'm not divorced yet.  It's embarrassing.  I moved out 2 years ago.  It's not that I have been ambivalent; it's that my ex doesn't do well when he doesn't get what he wants.  He's not digging in his heels about the kids or money or anything like that.  He simply does not want a divorce, so he is cooperating just enough to make it not worth hauling him into court, but so little that things are moving at a snail's pace.

This is par for the course with him.  In the past, he would get what he wanted by simply insisting on something over and over and over, no yelling or anything, just the same thing again and again and again no matter what you said until you just wanted to jam ballpoint pens in your ears so you wouldn't have to hear it anymore, and then it was just easier to do what he wanted so that he would shut up.  It got him all kinds of things in the past, so I suppose he's not unreasonable to try it, but it does seem that after 2 years, it might be time to move on.

Now, I know you're wondering:  "How hot does this woman have to be that this man doesn't want to let her go?"  Well, thanks for asking; you're too kind.  And, I know someone is asking, "Why would this man even want to be with such a faithless hussy?"  Also a fair question.  But it's not about me at all.  It's about control.  For him, this is not convenient, so it shouldn't be happening.  So he is trying to pretend that it isn't.

This leads me to my point (I usually do have one).  When I told my ex I wanted a divorce, he immediately started buying self-help books about how to save your marriage, fight for your marriage, improve your marriage without talking about it, etc.  I was amazed to find that some (not all) of these books and websites advocated that people in his position do exactly what he has done all along:  ignore what your spouse tells you.  If she says she wants a divorce, she's not really in her right mind.  She's mistaken about your ability to change.  Just keep showing her what a great guy you are.  Even if she says she's done, you're not done! Keep at it!  Is she having an affair?  No problem!  Just keep driving your point home, over and over and over.  Never give up!  Ever!  There's even a section on one of the website forums called "Divorced But Not Done."  I kid you not.

What humiliating advice, for everyone.  I can see trying to weasel another chance out of a situation that is rapidly deteriorating, and going for the hail-Mary pass in case it just might work.  I can see trying to demonstrate your ability to be a better spouse and parent, to show that you see the error of your ways and are willing to work on your contributions to the problem, and even to try to outshine the Other Woman or Other Man for a time.  But at some point, no is no, done is done, dead is dead.  For me, seeing him lurching at me again and again, saying the same things over and over but not actually respecting my wishes or changing his behavior in any meaningful way, is just creepy.  It's like fighting off a zombie apocalypse for 2+ years.

I really wish he'd go find someone else's brain to devour.

Happy New Year, More to Come

I know it has been a little while since I posted, but between a bad knee injury, Chanukah (my kids, my ex, and I are Jewish) and Christmas (my parents and extended family are Christian), traveling, a family wedding, and getting back into the groove of work and school, I have been swamped.  Not that I think anyone is hanging on by their fingernails for a dispatch from me, but I didn't want to give the impression that I've abandoned this blog.  I plan to return in full force to my trademark brilliance erelong.

If you're reading, I hope you had a great Christmas/Chanukah/Kwaanza/Solstice/Festivus/New Year.

Spin Control

A Facebook “friend” (not someone I actually know well) posted this link on his Facebook page with the comment, “I have one thing to say:  TACKY!”

Here’s the link.  Go ahead and read it; I’ll wait right here.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/19/fashion/weddings/19vows.html?_r=1&ref=weddings

Tacky?  Well, yes.  I keep trying to imagine what might have possessed them to put all of this in the Times.   I can only think that maybe they’d had enough of gossip and speculation from their social circle and wished to set the record straight and proceed with everything in the open.  People won’t whisper behind their backs as much if they release the information themselves and act like it’s not a big deal.  Also, by being the ones to tell the story, they can control the spin, or at least have some counterpart to the version already in circulation, where she’s a homewrecker and he’s a cad.  Still, it seems disrespectful to the exes, who didn’t ask for the bottom to drop out of their lives.

By the way, I know the article specifies that they didn’t consummate their emotional affair by having a physical affair.  Maybe this is true; maybe not, but I don’t think it really matters.  Once you step out emotionally, it’s a betrayal, and the only difference between an emotional affair and a physical affair is a matter of its degree, not its nature.  In the end, they both left their spouses to be with someone else.  It’s the same result.

I remember when the managing partner (then married with 4 kids) of a company where I used to work had an affair with the marketing director.  Even after the other partners had all been served with subpoenas in his divorce case (watch out for holiday parties!), he still tried to go the Bill Clinton route and claim that they didn’t have an inappropriate relationship.  Everyone knew about this affair, from the top brass down to the people in the mailroom (they see EVERYTHING).  It was a ridiculous thing to deny.  About 3 years later, a former co-worker forwarded me a birth announcement for the partner’s and the marketing director’s newborn son – they had gotten married in the interim.  So I suppose that’s another option in the balls-out category:  just pretend like everything is completely normal, and that nothing about the situation is remotely improper.  Is that better?

Of course then there’s the version that DB’s ex favors, which is to be able to sue me for “alienation of affections” for stealing her husband (a cause of action now eliminated in almost all U.S. states, including the one in which I live, and rightfully so – it’s not like I entrapped DB; he made a choice).  I think if she could put me in the stocks in the town square for people to throw rotten fruit at me and require me to wear a scarlet letter every day for the rest of my life, she’d do that, too.  I guess it makes her feel vindicated.

It’s not that I have no shame.  And it’s not that I think anyone who ends up in my situation should wallow in shame forever.  I just don’t think it’s anyone’s business.  I’m not holding myself up as a paragon of virtue; I’m not a Republican politician or a televangelist.  I’m just doing the best I can.  I’m trying to raise my children and hold down a job and pay my rent and make a life and do better.  That’s mostly the sense I get from the Times article people, except for the fact that they put it in the Times, and seem to have a lot more money and status than I do.

In the end, though, I can only wish them well.  Because it’s not like I’m exactly in a position to judge anyone.

Man's Best Friend

Did you know that a 42-lb standard poodle can swallow an entire rib bone whole? Me, neither, but I saw the X-rays myself.  DB's dog from his prior marriage has adopted me and my kids as part of his "pack" (apparently I am now the alpha bitch), because I take care of him when DB travels.  Stepdog follows me around the house, guards me from other people and dogs when we go walking, lets me know when the kids are getting into something, and sleeps next to me when DB isn't here (he doesn't even do that with DB).  He is a sweetheart, and I really adore him.  I'm really more of a cat person usually, but this is a great dog.

So, a few weeks ago, DB had made ribs, and admittedly gave Stepdog one of the bones, WHICH WE WILL NEVER, EVER DO AGAIN.  As soon as we heard a crunch, DB went to retrieve the bone, but the mistake was giving Stepdog another bone.  Because Stepdog decided he was damned if someone was going to take away his second bone, so he ran off with it and swallowed it whole.  Strong work.

To our credit, we leapt into action, rushed Stepdog to the emergency vet, and he had surgery to remove the bone.  Stepdog recovered quickly and is now back to his goofy self.

Upon reflection, I realized that (a) I was really glad I was there to support DB, that there was no place I'd rather be at that moment than by his side, even if that happened to be in an emergency vet hospital, where he was freaking out with guilt and worry and needed me to tell him what I thought he should do; and (b) I have a Stepdog.  We are becoming a family, incrementally and slowly, we are counting on each other and making decisions together.  I know it's a far cry from combining households and finances and children, but for a very long time, I never thought we would ever be able to be together even this much.  It's like a dream come true, even the suck parts.

Of course, for Stepdog, as long as he has plenty of food and affection and a warm place to sleep, it's all great.  But I look in his eyes and can tell that he's wondering whether there's any place he can put the next bone that this bitch won't come after it.

Deja vu

Last year, for Thanksgiving, my ex had the kids.  I had considered having everyone over for dinner and trying to give the kids a sense of normalcy, but we just weren't there yet.  I drank too much wine, ate pie, and watched movies.  This year, I had the kids, and I considered again inviting the ex over for dinner, and was about to do so when my ex sent me an e-mail in which he tried to make me feel guilty for the fact that he did not have Thanksgiving plans.  The irony was thick on the ground.  I decided that I didn't want to invite him.

Instead, I sent an e-mail to the entire single parent group at my synagogue with a rather light, amusing, and whimsical invitation to come over and have turkey with me and the kids, because it is kind of depressing to sit around and eat pie and drink wine by yourself.  I got 2 takers: one sent to me by the synagogue's service program who was described as an older, grandmotherly Croatian lady but who was really quite a firecracker, very stylish and opinionated and hilarious; the other a single dad from the group, whose children were with his ex for the holiday.  I had been very clear in my e-mail that I had a significant other, so I was really hoping that Single Dad wouldn't decide to hit on me.  And he didn't; he was completely appropriate, played games with my kids, kept up his end of the conversation, even brought a bottle of wine and had made some spiced sugared almonds that were quite good.  My ex doesn't know how to cook much of anything, so I was impressed by this.

Eventually I did ask him about his story, what he did for a living, whether his ex lived close, how they shared the children, etc.  And here's the spooky part.  It was like listening to a different variation of my own story, minus the affair (so far as I know).  He is in the same profession, and the same specialty within that profession, as my ex, and even knows who he is, though doesn't know him personally.  He worked for a big company, put in tons of hours, hated his job, fought with his wife because of the hours and because she was trapped at home with their small children, and the rest is history.  So I'm looking at this guy, realizing that as a reasonably attractive, smart, funny, successful person around my age, this is who my dating pool would be, if I were on the dating market.  And he's basically just a different version of my ex, with a little more culinary and social adeptness thrown in.

On the upside, I think the yenta wants to introduce him to her daughter.  Or maybe she was eyeing him for herself.  More power to her!

Thankful

On this Thanksgiving day in America, I feel truly blessed.  I have good health, two beautiful children, the love of a wonderful man, a good job in a bad economy, a warm, safe house in a stable democratic country, plenty to eat, reliable transportation, the company of a sweet dog, and an endless supply of good books.  I am a survivor, and I am learning from my mistakes.  I truly cannot ask for anything more.  I can't even summon a single sarcastic comment, but hopefully this does not mean I am losing my touch.

DB left this morning at the crack of dawn to fly out to spend the holiday with his children.  I'm cooking this morning, then picking up my kids and sharing Thanksgiving dinner at my home with some folks from the single-parent group at my synagogue, along with an older Croatian lady who doesn't have family to go to.  I love to cook for people, and I'm good at it (not to be immodest), so this is going to be a good day.

Peace and happiness to all.

Moral dilemma

I am a staff member at a university.  I don't teach.  I do, however, get to know some of the students quite well, and many of the junior staff whom I supervise are graduate students in other programs, working their way through school.  The other day, one of my former staffers mentioned to me in an offhand way that last year, she wrote a paper for another student, and it received an A, so she was determined to take the same class because she knew she would make a good grade.

I was horrified.  I have never cheated on an academic project, test, or paper in my life.  I would never do that.  If I couldn't get a good grade on my own, I didn't want it.  And I certainly wasn't going to do all the work and let someone else take the credit for it.  Probably she wrote the paper for money, and I know her family is poor and struggles financially, and she attends an expensive private school.  I actually asked her to stop talking and not say anything else about it, because I didn't want to know.  I liked and respected this person and had a very high opinion of her integrity until now.  I have no idea what to do with this information.

It strikes me that I have very little room to judge her.  I cheated on my husband.  That's a much more sacred trust than academic integrity.  Actual human beings were personally hurt.  Yes, my ex broke his vows to me, too (that whole love and honor thing), but I am responsible for my own choices, and I took the dishonorable path.  I have remorse (holy crap, do I have remorse), and I am trying to make it right from here on out, but I was dishonest.  I can't undo that.  It's really just a twist of fate that hardly anyone knows what I did.  I could rent a billboard and confess, or something, but I hardly see how that would help anyone.

There are people who would not be friends with me, if they knew what I had done.  There are people who would believe I should have been put to public shame.  I have no desire to ruin this student's life (which I would do, if I dimed her out for an honor code violation), but it really bugs me that she mentioned the whole thing so flippantly, and without any remorse.  And I am having a hard time looking her in the eye now.

Have I abdicated the moral high ground?  I'm really at a loss here.

Quick Update

Please don't think I've dropped off the planet.  I had a family wedding to go to, with my small children, in another state, and it involved a side trip to Disney World.  So it was a bit like being on another planet.  I will write more soon, after they finish detaching the mouse ears.

Everyday People

DB and I have lived in the same town for about 10 months now.  It has been really ... for lack of a better word, nice.  We shop for groceries, go on dates, walk the dog.  He has a great rapport with my children, and they adore him.  When I don't have the kids and he's not traveling, he stays over.  He has a drawer at my house.  I have girl shampoo and conditioner at his.  It's all very normal.  It's everything I used to fantasize about.

But the adjustment to normalcy, while wonderful in many ways, isn't that simple.  Each of us has gone through a lot to get here.  He is divorced; mine is still in progress.  My family and friends know I'm seeing someone, but I'd rather they didn't know the circumstances.  Some of his friends and colleagues know what happened; his family doesn't.  He'd understandably like to avoid living the rest of his life, and spending our relationship, under a cloud of scandal.  So there is still some degree of hiding as we phase in this relationship for public consumption.  And we are discovering that we have to work to avoid making the same mistakes with each other that led us to be where we are.


I'm not talking about cheating; I'm talking about communication.  And that's hard when he is traveling for work or to see his kids, or I have my kids, and the only communication we get is in snippets.  We have a lot to talk about.  We want to get this right.  I honestly don't know how we ever lived before, only seeing each other for a few hours every few weeks, talking in bits and pieces, e-mailing, g-chatting, never getting that stream-of-consciousness conversation that comes with the luxury of having hours and hours to spend together with no fear of discovery, no needing to get back to where we're expected to be.  I never got into that thrill-of-forbidden-love thing.  I want to be for real.


Each of us spent more than a decade with someone who didn't really care what we thought.  He at least spoke his mind, for all it mattered.  I didn't even do that; I just took whatever was dished out.  We both learned bad habits.  We want to un-learn them, to be honest even when the truth isn't pretty, to have the difficult conversations, to disagree and work it out.  We are trying, and I believe in us.


But, if you're involved in an affair and think you will have a blissful and uncomplicated relationship with your lover once you are able to be together, give it up.  You can't escape yourselves.

Here's how it was for me

Usually when a person is caught cheating, it’s assumed that the cheater was out sniffing around town for something to rub up against, while the faithful loving spouse was home ironing the cheater’s shirts. Sometimes it’s like that. It wasn’t for me.

First off, no one was ironing my shirts. Well, sometimes the nice lady at the dry cleaner’s was, but (a) I wasn’t married to her, so I don’t think she can legitimately complain, and (b) I’m mostly a wash & wear kind of girl anyway. But more to the point, I wasn’t looking for an affair. I was minding my own business, going to work (after a long stint as a stay-home mom before that), taking care of my children, spending most of my free time with or in service of my family. I was not trawling through bars; I was not on dating websites; I was not going on business trips and trying to pick people up. Still, I found trouble without looking for it.

Obviously, I made choices, each of which incrementally added up to what ultimately transpired. I chose to friend DB on Facebook; I chose to have a regular e-mail correspondence with him; I didn’t stop that correspondence when I realized I was checking my e-mail frequently, with a certain breathless anticipation that could not be chalked up to catching up with an old friend. I shared emotions with him that I couldn’t discuss with anyone, I realized how desperately I desired him physically, and still I didn’t put the brakes on. I think this is what people often mean when they say an affair “just happened.” But of course it doesn’t “just happen.” People choose, maybe not all at once, but by degrees.

I didn’t see it that way at the time. At the time, I felt like I was getting hit by a tidal wave. The emotions were so intense, the highs and lows so conflicting. It wasn’t that I didn’t have control over my actions; I did. But I was drawn to this man in a way that I’d never been drawn to anyone. Yes, I desired him, but it was beyond lust. It didn’t matter whether I could actually be with him or not. My heart was his, and I couldn’t help loving him. I was willing to wait for him as long as it took. If that turned out to be never, I wasn’t going to stop loving him. I still love him that way. I can’t help it.

I know how I sound. I know that at the time, I was high on neurotransmitters and adrenaline, and I did not see clearly the pain that I was going to rain down on myself and others as a result of my actions. I thought I did, but I had no idea. I have lost so much sleep, cried so many tears, agonized about what to do, writhed in guilt and shame. It has hurt more than I can describe.

Here’s the thing. After all of this pain, after everything we have both been through, he is still holding my hand, and I am still holding his. If this was only a booty call, or an attempt to relieve boredom and get an emotional high, I would have bailed on him long ago, and he would have bailed on me. It would not have been worth it.

Most of the time it probably isn’t worth it. Most of the time I think people are looking for something by having an affair that they’re not actually going to get from the affair: a sense of completion and wholeness and safety they can only find within themselves. And I know I am not immune from that, nor is DB. We are flawed and broken people, and neither of us can heal the other. We are trying to rebuild ourselves, and it is not an easy process, nor one that will ever be truly completed. The affair was not a fix for all our existing problems. We simply took those problems with us.

I’ve struggled with how to end this post, because I don’t endorse what I did, but I love this man. I’m not naïve or stupid. I don’t believe in happily ever after; I believe you have to work at relationships. If it were easy, we would not have such a high divorce rate. But I would never have believed that I could love a man the way I love DB. The only other people I love with such fierce devotion are my children, who are obviously in a different category, but it’s that kind of intensity. I wasn’t looking for this relationship because I didn’t even know such a thing could exist. And once I knew, I couldn’t turn away from it.

People who haven’t stood in my shoes can judge me all they want, but if it happened to them, if they truly felt this way about someone else, I question whether they would be able to walk away, and what they might find themselves willing to do to be with that person.

Here’s how it was for me:

from Pablo Neruda’s Cien Sonetos de Amor (100 Love Sonnets)

XVII

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Glass Houses

I never thought I would have an affair. I truly believed I was a better person than that. I didn’t realize that I was a setup for an affair long before I had the opportunity. I think that many betrayed spouses assume that the source of an affair lies solely with the person who cheated. They believe that the cheater is defective, either that s/he is a heartless traitor or weak and deluded. It’s difficult to admit how warped the structure of a marriage has to be in the first place for one partner to consider having an affair, and the extent to which both parties are responsible for that structure.

Happy spouses don’t cheat. If a spouse is not happy in a marriage, there is a reason for it. That’s not to say cheaters are justified in cheating if they’re not happy – of course not. But if your spouse cheats, and you’re surprised because you thought everything was great until that point, you have probably been ignoring some pretty key problems that pre-date the affair, often by years, and those problems are partially your responsibility.

In Elizabeth Gilbert’s (of Eat Pray Love fame - I know, you either love her or you hate her) book Committed, she summarizes Shirley Glass’ research on fidelity and affairs, which I now totally need to read (her book is called Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity). Glass posits that marriages are made up of windows and walls. Communication between spouses should flow freely (windows); the intimate parts of yourself and your relationship should be closed to the outside world (walls). It’s only natural to be attracted to people other than our spouses sometimes, but when it happens, we open a window on those feelings with our spouse, at the same time setting a boundary with the outsider and refusing to become emotionally or physically intimate with that person. This has the practical effect of avoiding temptation, but instead of pretending the attraction doesn’t exist, which is unrealistic, you use it to build intimacy in your marriage by talking about unmet needs and finding a way to meet them within the marriage. It makes sense.

I think the corollary, and maybe Glass talks about this, is that if you try to open a window during these times, and your spouse shuts you out, then you have still done a good thing by exposing some key problems in the marriage. Then you can figure out whether you can resolve them or not. If not, at least you know why the marriage dissolved, without the confusion and chaos of involving someone else.

In my own situation, the windows and walls were all wrong, and had been for a very long time. My ex made it clear what he wanted my role to be. I was there to perpetuate a lifestyle, a paradigm of what he wanted his life to be. My needs were dismissed, in large ways and small. I tried to talk about it, perhaps not in ideal ways, but I did try. I tried nicely, I tried passive-aggressively, I tried outright aggressively, I tried in bitchy ways, I tried while sobbing my guts out and begging him to consider me, I tried by asking him to go to counseling with me. It didn’t work. I was walled off. He implied that I was crazy and unreasonable, that I had no right to want anything he didn’t want. After running into those walls for years, I lost all desire for any kind of intimacy with him. I was marking time, getting through the days, serving my sentence.

And then DB came along, and suddenly there was a window, and I didn’t want to close it. Now, Glass’ theory is that when I realized how attracted I still was to DB (and always had been – I thought about him over the years far more often than was entirely healthy), I should have cut off all contact with DB, then spoken to my ex and told him I was feeling this attraction to someone else and it had made me realize that I had a number of unmet needs that we needed to discuss. Realistically, I know that would not have flown. My ex would have raged and/or convinced me I was nuts. I don’t believe for one second that we would have been able to save our marriage. But at least I would have tried. And then I would have realized what instead it took having an affair to realize: that my marriage never was what I thought it was. And I could have gotten out of it with a clean conscience. And if it was meant to be with DB, we would have eventually been free to be together.

I have no defense. She’s right. But that’s not how it happened. Admittedly, one key reason for this was that I was not willing to cut off contact with DB. I couldn’t stand to lose him. Like many people, I aspire to high-mindedness that I do not always actually possess.

For DB, one of the most galling things about all of this has been that his ex truly believes their marriage ended simply because DB cheated. But while that was the match that set the house on fire, the house was already doused in gasoline and full of frayed, sparking electrical wires. Still, I know he wishes he had gotten out cleanly, and it certainly would make our lives now much easier if he had. His ex would still be bitter and self-righteous, but she wouldn’t have such strong justification for it.

It is really easy to slip into an affair if your marriage is unhappy and you’re subconsciously looking for a way out of it. It happens to good people, all the time. People are complex. I think we are kinder, stronger people when we remember that.

Rethinking - and Fish!

First of all, if you've been to the site before, you'll see that I went a bit nuts with the template designer. I wanted something less serene. It would have been lower-key until I found out you can add fish - FISH! - as a decorative item. Honestly, the ability to add fish kind of made my day. So hopefully the changed look and feel makes the place warmer.

Second, I have wondered whether the things I'm saying are useful in the context of discussing an affair or not. A lot of it would apply to the emotional landscape of any divorce, any single-parenting situation, any contemplation of new love after divorce. And while these are all elements of my journey in figuring out how to rebuild myself and my life after having an affair, maybe there's more to be said first about the affair itself - how it happened, what I learned, and whether it's too soon to make snappy sarcastic comments about the utter destruction of my life as I knew it.

I'd be interested in comments. What do people want to know, if they care enough to read this?

Oh, FYI, I do moderate comments, so it might be a few hours before your comment posts.

Boundaries

I've been thinking a lot about boundaries lately, especially the part where I don't seem to have any. Seriously, the crap I let my ex get away with would amaze you. To paraphrase, he wanted someone who would, to quote the timeless poetry of Sara Barielles, ride off into his delusional sunset. And the sick thing is, I did it. Whatever he wanted, that was what we did. I didn't get to eat when I was hungry, rest when I was tired, leave when I was ready, be comforted when I was sad, vent when I was angry, except when it was amenable to him. Everything, from vacations to sex to child rearing, it was all on his terms. Resistance was futile.

It's not that he is an overtly mean person - most people think he's quite nice, until they are on the receiving end of his narcissism. Even then, his form of manipulation is so subtle that often you don't realize what happened; you know you feel violated, but you don't know why. He doesn't yell, he doesn't throw things, he seems reasonable and oh-so-nice, but what he wants is what is going to happen, period. He pushes and pushes and pushes until he gets what he wants, and he will run over you with a bulldozer and never stop smiling. It's like Chinese water torture. I quickly learned that it was just easier to give him what he wanted, because he was never going to stop pushing. By the end - and the end came about 6 months before I had an affair - I felt like I didn't have any skin left. I felt like a pulpy mass of exposed nerves, and no one knew, because he was such a "nice" guy. It was a painful, enclosed, lonely, horrible place to be.

So, how do I not end up there again? The more I look at myself, the more I know I am susceptible to being manipulated in all kinds of relationships, from work to friendships to love. I was custom-built for someone like my ex. My whole life, I avoided conflict, because it always ended up with me losing, often painfully. So I just stopped resisting. In a way, there was sort of a Zen-like quality to the idea of bending so I wouldn't break. Only it didn't lead to a peaceful, detached, enlightened Nirvana. It let to footprints on my back. Once I realized that, it was as if a new lens clicked into place over my vision. I could never see my marriage the same way. I could never see any relationship the same way. Some say my spine grew 3 sizes that day (sorry, I've been reading too much Dr. Seuss with my son).

DB is a sweet, kind man, but he is human, and he has his own agenda. He does not want to manipulate me, but we all want what we want, particularly from those who are closest to us. Boundaries are important. Not to shut anyone out, or in; I think of it as more like a permeable membrane than a wall. I envision a barrier that lets certain things pass through, but protects my structural integrity and separateness.

Frost was right: "Something there is that doesn't love a wall,/That wants it down." ("Mending Wall," the poem is here). But we need to know where others end and we begin, and we need to know the difference.